The day after...

I'm not feeling well today. I went to school but probably shouldn't have. I took it as easy as I could. I am quite blessed to be a gifted teacher so I don't have students all day long. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy teaching my students, but I need rest after a treatment. Students don't exactly allow you to rest! The teachers with whom I work are good about allowing me to cancel my classes if I'm not feeling well, but I can probably count on one hand the number of times I've done this. Since I am the lead gifted specialist in our system, I don't have classes on Friday because I have a lot of "lead" responsibilities to take care of. Today is Friday, so it works out well that I usually have treatments on Thursday. Just keep me in your prayers. God is so good, but I am so tired.

Fulfillment

I have a treatment tomorrow. Pooh! I don't enjoy them! I'm very thankful for the medicine that is prolonging my life, but it does get old traveling to Birmingham every three weeks. Neal is so wonderful. He helps me make the best of it. He makes that trek with me each time, and we always stop by Chick-Fil-A on the way home so I can get a strawberry milkshake. I've been going to UAB to receive cancer treatments for over two years now, and I can count on one hand the number of times he hasn't gone. We both feel so strange if he does not go. He's my life partner and he's always been there for me. I was having health problems before we even married and had to have major surgery two years after we married. He's always been by my side to support me and I love him dearly. There aren't too many people who really mean those vows when they marry. When the going gets tough, the not so tough often get going. Not him. He loves me like no one else in this world ever has or could. I am so thankful for my sweet husband and I love him dearly. God did not give me cancer. He allowed it to happen to fulfill His purpose. He has taken care of me through it all, and one of the ways is by giving me the husband that I have. I am truly a blessed woman. LORD, just please help me to remember to look for You in everything and to know that this is Your will so that I can fulfill Your plan.

Feeling Good!

I just thought everyone would like to know that I've been feeling good the last couple of days. Sometimes I feel like I mostly post when I'm feeling bad, so I wanted you to know that I have good days too! God is good!

Spoon theory

I found this article and wanted to share it. It explains how I feel a lot.

http://www.pdfdownload.org/pdf2html/pdf2html.php?url=http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/navigation/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf&images=yes

Blessings

"God can pour on the blessings in astonishing ways so that you're ready for anything and everything." This is what was on my daily calendar today. Wow. Sometimes I don't feel blessed. I have cancer. I've been in a lot of pain since my treatment Monday. I started hurting a few days before the treatment, and I think the Zometa has intensified the pain. It's for my bones but often causes soreness and flu-like symptoms for a few days after the treatment. The pain is mainly in my neck and shoulder blades. It feels like the pain from the Chiari surgeries I had in 1988 and 2001. Those surgeries were on my head and neck. I was having trouble with double vision, headaches, and my equilibrium. I still have trouble with those things, but the surgeries helped to slow the progress down. I guess that's another blog post altogether if you want to know more about it.

The thing is, I don't always feel blessed, but I know I am. "God can pour on the blessings in astonishing ways so that you're ready for anything and everything." That's a powerful statement. Blessings can come in many ways. We can be blessed by waking up late, which may keep us from being in an awful accident on the way to work; we can be blessed by having a job that we can't stand, but it puts us in contact with people who don't have Jesus; and we can be blessed with cancer so we can appreciate life even more. Sometimes it's a challenge to appreciate life when you're in pain and don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I do. I appreciate the fact that I get to see the autumn leaves on the trees; that I get to talk to my children about their lives; that I have a husband who loves me and supports me throughout everything; and that I have been blessed with an avenue to reach out to so many. God did not give me cancer, but He allowed it to happen. Why? I don't know except that so many of you are so wonderful and have told me how much my faith, courage, and strength means to you. Believe me, I do not feel courageous or strong, and I don't have enough faith to fill a thimble, but I know God takes care of me every single day. One day He'll bring me home and my faith will be complete.  

I want to share the words to a song that has become so meaningful to me. It's called "Blessings" by Laura Story. Check it out on YouTube.

                                                             "Blessings"

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

I had planned to post a few days ago about the good news that I received at the doctor's office this week, but I've been hurting so much that I just haven't. I had another CT scan, and it showed that the cancer is stable. My doctor took me off the daily chemo pills three weeks ago because of the fatigue that I have and the fact the the skin around my nails is splitting and bleeding. She said since the disease has been stable, now is a good time to take a break from the chemo. I'm still getting the Herceptin and Zometa treatments every three weeks, but I just won't take the chemo pills for a while. I'll certainly keep you abreast of the situation. God is so good. He is faithful all the way through thick and thin. Don't ever forget that--no matter what you are dealing with. He loves you more than you can possibly imagine.

Oh, the Lessons We Learn...

God is SO amazing! He shows up even in the smallest of matters! But aren't all of our circumstances small in the grand scheme of things?

I received a sweet text from my precious daughter-in-law Eva at about 2:30 reminding me of David's big test at 3:30. I didn't get a chance to pray like I wanted to at that moment since I was at school and things were demanding my attention. However, I prayed all the way home. He revealed so many things to me during that drive. Don't you just love Holy Communion with our Heavenly Father? He is just so awesome!! I prayed really hard that He would reveal the answers to David. That He would bring his knowledge to the forefront of his mind and that He would guide his hand and his mind to answer the questions in the manner in which his professor expects. I prayed for Rachel. She's having the issues that all freshmen at big universities have. I prayed for Eva and for Him to guide her to be who He wants her to be. I prayed for Neal and all that he has to deal with every day. God has blessed me so much. I have an absolutely wonderful family who loves me dearly. I can't fathom why He loves me so much and why He has provided me with so much. I am blessed beyond measure. We are all such specks of dust in this universe, yet He loves us as if we ARE the universe. Take a look around you. Every single person you see who cuts you off on the road, who is rude to you in the supermarket, who doesn't seem to care about anything but themselves is loved by the Creator of the universe and He desperately wants them to love Him. Why? I have no idea. It simply blows my mind. But we are to love them to Him. What a challenge!

I've been feeling really down lately. I've been spending too much time looking at poor Cindy's circumstances. I don't like the fact that there is no end in sight in this life for these cancer treatments. I know that I will go to sleep and wake up one day in Heaven, but I don't look forward to the suffering that I will probably have to face until that day occurs. Sometimes, I just need a simple text from a sweet soul to remind me that I am still needed. Prayer is a mighty thing. The very idea that we are allowed to approach the throne of the Creator of the universe is mind-boggling to say the least. Our God is so awesome. Thank You for giving Eva the nudge to send me that simple text and reminding me that You are not finished with me yet. Oh, how I love Jesus!!!

Back in Session!

Well, school is certainly back in session! The adderall was helping at first. When school resumed, my energy level was really high. I was able to do things that I needed to do and it was great. By about 3:00 each day the medication had worn off, but I had mostly completed the day anyway so I was good with that. However, this week has been different. I don't know if it's because I've been at it a while again or what, but I'm tired again. Not as much, but I still don't have the energy that I would like to have. My back has been hurting again this week and I'm having trouble focusing. Of course, I did have a treatment last week so that could be the problem. As Dori from Finding Nemo would probably say, "Just keep praying. Just keep praying!" Next week will probably be much better! God is so good!

Rachel's at Alabama and doing well. I miss her greatly but I know she has to grow up and move on. She's experiencing those typical college trials that most of us endured, but she's going to do just fine. David and Eva are doing well also. The newlyweds are loving every minute of their lives together, as true newlyweds do.

I have a new prayer request. This has been going on for about six months but I just haven't mentioned it in my blog. One of the side effects of the chemo is extremely dry skin to the point of splitting. I keep my skin moisturized and most of my skin is fine, but I'm having problems around my big toes. All of the moisturizer that I'm putting on them just isn't helping. The skin is not only splitting around them, but  some of the skin has also peeled off, and they are bleeding and swelling. The left toe doesn't bleed as much but it is more sensitive than the other one. The right one bleeds and swells a lot more. I've had more trouble with it for a longer period of time, so I can't help but wonder if I've lost some feeling in it and that is why it's not nearly as sensitive as the left one. I've had trouble with my fingers as well, but just not to that extent. I had trouble with my left thumb swelling and bleeding for a while, but it has improved. The tips of my fingers are sensitive, especially when I need to use tape a lot such as when I'm trying to put up  a bulletin board. I've been fortunate in that this has been going on in the summer when I can wear open-toed shoes. Just pray that my feet will get better when I need to start wearing closed-toed shoes. I guess this is just what two years of chemo will do to you! But hey, I'm still here! God's not through with me in this world yet!

"For we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." ~ II Corinthians 4:8

Fatigue, weight gain, and acne

As stated in the last post, I attended a workshop Monday-Wednesday. I was SO tired after it was all over. I had a treatment yesterday (Thursday) and my doctor took me off the steroid since it didn't really help during my three day workshop. It's also causing me to gain weight and my face is breaking out. I haven't had such a problem with acne since I was in high school! So, to help with the extreme fatigue, she put me on adderall. We usually think of adderall as the medicine prescribed to children with ADHD, but it affects adults without ADHD in just the opposite manner. It calms the children, while it gives the adults extra energy. I took my first dose today. I woke up this morning EXTREMELY tired from the treatment yesterday and took one. I have had more energy than usual after a treatment so maybe it's working.

I go back to school to begin the new year Monday. I have so many mixed emotions about it. It scares me because I never know how working is going to affect me, but I'm also quite thankful that I can still work. I know. I shouldn't be scared. God is in control and He is taking care of me. He is SO faithful. I just cannot even begin to understand the love He has for me. I love to watch birds. They always remind me of how He watches and cares for them, but oh how He watches and cares for me so much more! As Matthew 6:26 says, "Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?"

Feeling Good!

I just wanted everyone to know that I have been feeling good lately. My doctor prescribed a steroid to help boost my energy and it's been working. Yes, I still get tired easily but I have more energy than before I began taking it. I'll find out in a few weeks if it helps while I'm at school. I'm attending a workshop on August 6-8, I have a treatment on the 9th, teachers start back to school on the 13th, and students start back on the 20th. I'm not excited about going back because I'm able to get so much more rest during the summer, but I am SO thankful that I can still work. God continues to bless me more than I deserve. He is an awesome God and I'm so glad I'm His!

I got my hair cut today. This is a picture of how it looks today after my hairdresser spent at least an hour straightening it. I won't be doing that. It's too exhausting!

Time to vent

I haven't updated in a while. I haven't felt that great. I am so blessed to be a teacher so I can have some time off in the summer to relax, but I'm starting to get concerned about going back again. I'm concerned about how long I will actually be able to teach. I love my job but any teacher can tell you that it is QUITE tiring and stressful. I absolutely adore my students and want to be able to be the best teacher for  them that they deserve. God is good and I am so blessed that He is still allowing me to teach.

I need encouragement. I'm feeling alone. I know I'm not, but I feel that way a lot. I have a wonderful husband who loves me and takes extremely good care of me; I have a loving church family who has been watching out for me as well; I have a new family who loves me and takes care of me too; but most of all, I have an awesome Heavenly Father who loves me beyond reason. So why do I feel this way? Probably because I have stage 4 metastatic breast cancer! I'm human and have a tough time dealing with it at times. I have a good friend who just spent two hours talking to me and letting me vent as I really haven't done before. She helped me a lot. Thank you dear. I needed that.

Nothing has really changed in my prognosis; I just get down at times. None of us knows how long we have on this earth, but when we are faced with our mortality the reality hits you square in the face. I know that when God chooses to take me Home, it will be the best day ever! I just don't look forward to the process of getting there. I also know from experience how great it has been to have my Mama in my life. I want that for my kids. I also know how unfortunate it has been for my children not to have their Dad's mother in their lives. She would have been such a good grandmother! I want to be there for my grandchildren and I want to be healthy for them. Keep praying for me and for a cure to this awful disease. God is so good and has a purpose for all of this, but I do get frustrated. Ease my frustration, LORD!

I'm sorry that I had to vent today. I stay upbeat for the most part, but I do have my moments. Writing in my blog has often helped me sort things out. Thank you for your continued prayers and support. God is good!

Thanks for the prayers!

Thank you so much for your prayers! God heard you. The prayers of His saints are quite precious to Him. I still don't feel great, but I feel better and was able to go to church last night. It's always a special time for me to be able to hear Rachel and the praise band. They did a very good job. Josh delivered a sermon about Jonah and how the book is not about Jonah but about God's mercy and deliverance. It was great timing for me. God is so good. Again, thank you.

Get Behind Me Satan!

I may have spoken too soon. I haven't been feeling well the last couple of days. I've been sick to my stomach and have had a bad headache. It's Wednesday. I had planned to go to church tonight and worship with the youth. Rachel leads the praise band and will until the end of July. Josh always challenges us with a captivating sermon. I want to be able to hear Rachel as much as possible before she leaves for Alabama. It seems that most Wednesdays I don't feel well. Get behind me Satan! I want to go to church! Please join me in prayer as I pray for God to knock him down so I can go to church tonight.

Now to relax!

It's been a while since I've updated my blog, but so much has happened! I now have a beautiful daughter-in-law! God is so good! David's and Eva's wedding was absolutely beautiful. It was at a small church on Mooresville Road near Athens called Isom's Chapel. Everything went as planned. The ceremony was so sweet. They went to Charleston, SC for their honeymoon. While they were driving back, we (four parents, Rachel, and their friends Andrew, Magan, and Spring) moved their stuff into their new apartment in Tuscaloosa. And oh, they do have the stuff! Their friends decorated their apartment for their welcome home and did a fantastic job. Way to go guys!

I had a treatment Monday after the wedding. I had postponed it during the month of May since so much was going on. The treatment went well. Since I have still been extremely tired, my doctor gave me a steroid to take to hopefully increase my energy. It's just a small dose so there shouldn't be any of the harmful side effects that come with taking steroids. It's been helping. I've had more energy and have been able to do more this week. Of course, I'm also wondering if it's because I'm out of school. I might go without it for a few days next week to just see if that's the case. I'll be sure to update.

It's been so nice having the month of May and the first part of June behind me! Like I said earlier, so much happened! Eva graduated from Alabama on May 5; Rachel's Senior Piano Recital was May 12; Rachel's combined piano recital was May 13; Rachel graduated May 22; the last day of school for me was May 31; David's and Eva's rehearsal and rehearsal dinner was June 1; their wedding was June 2; my treatment was June 4; we moved them in June 9. Now I can relax, and that's just what I've been doing. Part of my relaxation has involved doing some house cleaning, but that's okay. I haven't felt up to doing it for a long time. I'm doing it at my pace. If it doesn't get completely done, life will go on. I've learned to prioritize. I enjoy having a clean house, but it's not huge on the list. It can't be. While Rachel is still home, she and I can do it together. Once she leaves, that won't be the case. God still loves me even when my house is a mess! So if you come for a visit, you'll just have to forgive me. God already has.

Rachel giving the invocation














            
               Rachel receiving her diploma

Beautiful Rachel

                   David's first look at Eva











The Bride's cake

                                                     Their first dance









Jacob, Jim, and Lisa Reed; Eva, David, Cindy, Neal, and Rachel Thompson

                       


                         David and Eva cutting the Groom's cake

Another look at the best Groom's cake ever!












                           The Wedding Party

One week and counting...

My sweet Rachel graduated Tuesday night! I'm so proud of her! She delivered the invocation at the ceremony and did a beautiful job. Thursday night she spent the night at Eva's apartment in Tuscaloosa so she wouldn't need to get up at 3 on Friday and drive down for her Bama Bound day. She registered for her fall classes, and oh what a load she has! She's majoring in music therapy and on a pre-med track, so she has a lot of music and science classes. Watch out world! Here comes Rachel!

One week from today, I'll have a new daughter. God brought Eva into David's life in August of 2010. They literally met under the stars in an observational astronomy class. What a story they'll have to tell their kids one day! Since that day, they have become the best of friends and Eva has become more like a daughter to me all of the time. I could not have hand picked a better wife for my sweet David. God is so good! We prayed for her all of his life and here she is! I am one proud mom!

I am so glad I decided to postpone my treatment. These last few weeks have been very exciting but very stressful. If I had tacked that treatment on there, I don't know how I would be making it right now. As you know, I take chemo pills every day but the every three week treatments are rough on me as well. It usually causes me to have flu-like symptoms and I certainly don't need that now! To top it off, I'm still in school and my last day isn't until Thursday. Please keep me in your prayers. This next week is going to be a trying one and I want to be at my best for my son and my new daughter. Most of you who are reading this know how important my family is to me and I want to be at my best for them. Whatever happens will be part of God's plan, but I just pray that it will be for me to feel good next Saturday!

In all that you do, do it for the glory of God. Live each day to the fullest. Love to all!

And so it begins...

And so it begins. Tomorrow morning is Senior recognition at our church, tomorrow night my sweet Rachel has her Baccalaureate service at our church, and Tuesday night she graduates. Then, shortly after she graduates, David gets married June 2. Good heavens. Where did the time go? It's just not right. I'm not old enough to have grown children! But I am so proud of them both. 

I have been feeling okay. I postponed my treatment until after the wedding. I've been so stressed about all of this stuff that I've been more sick lately. I'm still tired, but I'm still here! God is so good. He has blessed me immensely. I am so proud of my sweet children and I am blessed with a dear husband. I am so thrilled to be here to see all of these events happen. My next life goal is to see both David and Rachel graduate from college and then to play with grandchildren! I also have a big goal to be there at Rachel's wedding if she chooses to marry. Our God is an awesome God and I can't wait to see what He brings from day to day.

Senior Piano Recital--Fantabulous!

What a great job Rachel did! I am so proud of her. It took a lot of guts to be the featured and only performer at her senior piano recital last night. She did a fantabulous job! Thank you to all who came. She appreciated it SO much. She has worked extremely hard on all of the pieces. As you could see, they were quite challenging to say the least. And today was her teacher's annual recital for all of the students. With the pressure off her senior recital, Rachel played even more beautifully today. I am one proud Mom!

Now, to focus on graduation. I can't believe that it's just nine days away! It seems so odd not to compare the Madison County school calendar where I teach with the Morgan County calendar where my children have attended school for 16 years. And then, just 11 days after that, David will be married! Unbelievable!

It has been so great to focus on these wonderful milestones in my children's lives and not to care so much about mine. However, I have been quite tired. Keep praying for my strength! TTFN! Tata for now!

Rachel describing music between songs

Performing

Proud moment

Playing "Mendelssohn's Concerto in G minor" accompanied by Michelle West--she rocked the house!

Rachel and her wonderful piano teacher, Michelle West

SO MUCH STUFF!!

So what's up with Cindy these days? What's NOT up with Cindy?! Rachel's senior piano recital is today at 6 PM. She is the featured, or should I say, the ONLY performer. She is quite stressed, which in turn makes her mother quite stressed! I know she plays very well and I'm sure she'll do a great job, but she is so stressed that she'll probably mess up because of that. She keeps asking herself why she agreed to do this. She has so much more courage than me. I don't think I could have had a recital where I was the only performer. I'm quite the proud mom!

She also graduates from high school in ten days. My baby. My little baby girl. Time is so weird. How is it that we can remember some things that happened years ago like they were yesterday, and yet some things that happened last month seem eons ago? I remember so well the days when she and I would be at home together before she started Kindergarten. Her favorite lunch was mac and cheese. We often made this lunch and pretended. She was Jessica (since that would have been her name had David been a girl) and I was Sarah. She was always excited when I was asked to substitute for a teacher at the last minute and couldn't find a babysitter. I simply took her with me. If I subbed for Kindergarten, as a three-year-old she fit right in. In three months, she'll be moving to Tuscaloosa to begin her life at Bama. This...is...not...possible. Not my baby! But I am quite proud of her. She will do well. She is majoring in music therapy and pre-med. You go girl!

Three weeks from today, David is getting married to our sweet Eva. Again--not possible! These are my babies! How can this be? Eva was here last night and they were talking about children. Children? Me? A grandmother? I'm not that old! Am I? Well, I guess I am. Ready or not. Here it comes. Once again, that time thing is so weird. I remember so well standing in Ricky and Anita Crow's front yard when he was probably about 18 months to 2 years. David, Jillian (the Crow's daughter), another boy names Wes and a girl named Megan were playing. They were all about the same age. Megan and Jillian were kind of chilling, and David and Wes were being quite rambunctious. We were commenting, even at that point, of the differences in boys and girls. Jillian and Megan were just looking at David and Wes as if they were saying, "What in the world is your problem?"

I also remember when Rachel and David became such good friends with Meredith and Emily Childers. A large storm swept through our neighborhood and blew down a portion of the Childers' fence. Later, David and Emily were in their perspective backyards. Emily saw David on his swing set and came over to play. Not long after that, Rachel and Meredith started playing together. David and Emily were five; Rachel and Meredith were two. They've all been best friends since then. It's really cool since I graduated with Emily and Meredith's parents, Tim and Kathy. They're such good friends that Emily is going to be in David's wedding. IN THREE WEEKS! I still can't believe it!

Obviously, all of this has me quite stressed. As tired as I usually am, I'm even more tired now. I am supposed to have a treatment this coming Thursday. Well, as I told my family, my doctor can bite me! LOL! It will be fine. I'll wait until June 4, the Monday after the wedding. I've gone five weeks between treatments before. It would be an EXTREME challenge for me to have a treatment this week, five days later the graduation, and 11 days after that the wedding. I'll be fine. God has me in His Hands.

Obviously, I need a lot of prayer. I ALWAYS need a lot of prayer, but I just need a different sort of prayer right now. I still need healing prayer, but I need extra prayers for peace as well. I am so thankful that I can ask my blog friends for it and know that I will get it. You all rock!

God is in control. He always has been, and He always will be. Time is fleeting. Enjoy each and every day.

Just an update...

I haven't felt well lately. I know this will pass, but I just get tired. I have also been sick off and on since my last treatment. I'm just ready to be able to kick my feet up this summer and do nothing, but at the same time I'm not ready. When school is out for me, Rachel will have graduated and David will get married two days later. I am extremely happy for both of them, but as any mother knows, they are my babies and I'm not ready for them to fly the coop. David will begin a new life with his wonderful and beautiful bride Eva. God has so richly blessed us to have sent her to us! And Rachel will move to Tuscaloosa in August. Yes, the floodgates are about to open full force! I am very proud of them both, but there is definitely going to be quite a hole to fill.

Keep me in your prayers. God is good!

Surprise!

I just have to share this. I got quite a surprise this morning. I am the Destination ImagiNation coordinator for my school. Destination ImagiNation is a program in which student teams solve open-ended challenges and present their solutions at local, state, and global tournaments. Teams are tested to think on their feet, work together and devise original solutions that satisfy the requirements of the challenges. One of Monrovia's teams was in the state tournament Saturday. I wasn't feeling well so I didn't go. During our school's newscast this morning, my principal started making some announcements. One of them was to congratulate me on winning the Rachel Shankle award at the DI tournament on Saturday. It is an award given to an individual who perseveres through the year-long DI season while facing difficult obstacles. My jaw dropped. I was speechless. I had no idea I had even been nominated for it. I haven't been that surprised in a long time. I can't tell you how honored and humbled I feel. Thank you to whomever nominated me and to the judges who determined I should be the recipient. I'm sure that others have had to face difficult challenges as well. I'm still shocked and quite proud! I needed the reassurance. God is good!

Stresssssed

I just read a brief article about how stress can cause more health problems in breast cancer patients. Really? Who would've thought? I've been extremely stressed lately. It's a catch 22. Part of my stress is the fact that I know I shouldn't be stressed right now, but I have so much going on that I'm stressed about it, which makes me more stressed! LOL!! It's a vicious cycle! I also know that anyone who reads this knows about stress.

Please pray that I can always focus on our Savior who takes care of all of our needs. He loves me so much and doesn't want me to fret about stuff, but I'm just a puny little human being. I'm a doer and a problem-solver. I'm also a teacher and a leader. I enjoy doing and teaching and leading and want to do all of those things well. Unfortunately, I have this little problem that I've been dealing with for 20 months now that just keeps getting in the way. But that little problem is a fact of life for me. If I'm going to continue to live my life the way I want to and the way I feel God is leading me to, then I have to deal with that problem and go on from there. We all have our problems and our crosses to bear. Some are just bigger than others. You know, I really should feel quite honored and privileged that He would allow this to happen. I know He allows things to happen to us so we can bring glory to Him. Luke 12:48 states, "From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked." Well, I've been given quite a bit so a lot is expected of me. I just hope I can live up to His expectations.

Happy Easter to Me and to Everyone!

PRAISE GOD THROUGH WHOM ALL BLESSINGS FLOW!!! I posted a portion of this on facebook yesterday, but if you didn't read it get ready for some great news! Not only did yesterday's CT scan verify that the results from the last one were actually showing infection (form sinus trouble I was having), but one of the cancer lesions had shrunk quite a bit and one was GONE!!! Happy Easter to me!!

This has been quite a journey. I get EXTREMELY tired of traveling to UAB every three weeks, but results like these make it worth it. At least I have the option of treatment! Without it, you wouldn't be reading this blog--there wouldn't be one to read. Yes, God has allowed cancer to be a major part of my life; but He also allowed it during a time in history when it can be treated. There is no cure yet and my life may be shortened, but I continue to be amazed at how He is allowing me to be used for Him during this time. Of course, if He chooses to allow me to live another 50 years, that will be fine with me. If not, I'll just transfer me address to Heaven and oh what a life that will be! As Paul said in Philippians 1:21-26,

"For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, so that through my being with you again your joy in Christ Jesus will overflow on account of me."

That last verse may sound a little conceited on my part, but I know that God is allowing this journey of mine to be used for His glory. We endure trials in this life to not only strengthen our faith but to also help others in their journey. He tells us this in His word. What applied to Paul applies to us as well.

I could go on and on quoting verses. There are so many that are applicable to me today. I am rejoicing in this great news! What a mighty God we serve!

Thank you everyone for all of your prayers. Our God is a mighty God. He loves to hear from His people. Thank you for taking the time to approach His throne for me. The prayers of His saints are quite precious to Him.

Love to all!

Miscommunication

I finally talked to my nurse. There was a miscommunication between my doctor's office and the infusion clinic. I'm back to my regular treatment. My next treatment is next Thursday. I also have a CT scan that day. Thanks for the prayers!

Confusing

I simply posted on Facebook yesterday, "prayer please." God is so good. He provided just the right people in my life. You all rose to the occasion and prayed for me, not knowing why. Sometimes I just have bad days and need extra prayer. Sometimes it's physical; other times it's emotional. It's usually a combination of the two. Yesterday was one of those days.

I wasn't feeling that great physically yesterday morning, and then the infusion clinic at UAB arbitrarily called to cancel some of my treatments. No explanation was given. I asked to be transferred to my doctor's nurse to find out why. I had to leave a message but the call was not returned. I still don't have an answer. I understand that they were in clinic yesterday, but my call should have been returned. I just called again and had to leave another message. I'm quite frustrated. I don't understand why my treatments would be changed without discussing the matter with me first. You may remember from a month ago when my doctor considered changing my treatment schedule because she was concerned about new growth. I haven't had any additional tests so why is this being done now? I'm just so frustrated!

Sometimes life is quite confusing. This journey that I am on has brought me back in contact with so many people with whom I had lost contact. We should not wait for bad things to happen to bring us back together, and yet we continually do. Life is busy. We get caught up in the daily routine and grind. Years pass and we lose touch with some of our dearest friends. We lose sight of everything but what directly touches our lives. I don't know how to change this or if we can. Our days are filled with the mundane--with obligations that must be met. I wish there was a way to change this so that we could spend more time with people in our lives who have meant so much--whether from the past or from the present. Our intentions are often good. We say we want to stay in touch with people, but it often doesn't happen. This is especially true when we graduate from high school or college, or when we change jobs or churches. Those people are no longer in our lives on a fairly regular basis and we lose contact. I guess we need to realize that sometimes people are in our lives only for a season, but they are always there for a reason. Thank you for being a part of my life--even if it was only for a season. You have definitely been there for a reason. You may never know how your prayers have helped me. Just know that they have.

Wow. I didn't mean to ramble so much. Just keep the prayers going. I appreciate them so much. God is good!

Spring Break!

Yay! I'm on spring break this week! I hope to be able to catch up on some much needed rest. I am making myself sit in my recliner and play solitaire, sudoku, and catch up on reading. It isn't easy to sit here when there is so much that needs to be done around the house. I laughed and sent Neal a text earlier that said he's probably one of the few men who does not want to come home to a clean house. And no, I'm not saying that we women are the only ones to clean; however, if he comes home and the house is clean, then I have not been doing what I am supposed to be doing--nothing! I feel pretty good today and I certainly don't want to jinx it. I am so grateful to have a good first day of spring break. God is so good! Go outside when you can. It's gorgeous here in North Alabama!

Provisions

"There is a Name I love to hear. I love to sing it's worth. It sounds like music in my ear--the sweetest Name on earth. Oh, how I love Jesus. Oh, how I love Jesus. Oh, how I love Jesus because He first loved me."

I don't feel well today. I made it to church and taught my small group, but I had to come home after that. God is so good and I know He has a purpose for all of this, but I get quite tired and would like very much for it to stop. Praise God that my school system is on spring break this coming week so that I will be able to rest. My doctor has recommended that I take some time off. I told her I have spring break so maybe that will help. The stress of it all is sometimes unbearable. Everyone needs to feel like they have a purpose in life. Mine is teaching. I know if I have to give it up God will provide something else, but the unknown is often scary. Pray that I will have the faith to allow Him to take me to the place where He wants me to be. He has allowed me to teach throughout all of this, and for that I am quite thankful.

By the way, we could use some extra help. Message me on Facebook or through email and I'll give you the passwords to the care calendar or I'll tell you how you can help. Neal is having a tough time as well. He has his own health problems, and he doesn't enjoy watching me go through this. The pressure and stress of it all is getting to him. Pray that the stress doesn't adversely affect his health.

Throughout it all, live for Him. He will provide.

Thanks for the prayers!

Thanks for ALL of the prayers everyone! God is SO good. Not only did I make it to the shower, but I felt well all during it. I'm home now and quite tired, but I feel A LOT better than I did this morning. We are so blessed to have the power of prayer. The fact that we can actually approach the throne of the Creator of the universe blows my mind!

So Inconvenient!

I had a treatment yesterday and I'm not feeling well today. This is EXTREMELY inconvenient since DNow is going on at church this weekend and I'm usually a driver. (For those of you who don't know, DNow stands for Disciple Now. The youth of the church are divided into groups based on age and gender and stay at someone's house all weekend. Basically, they spend the weekend in service and learning more about Christ.) It isn't a problem for anyone but me because, knowing my situation, our youth director had it covered. It's only a problem for me because I LOVE being involved with our youth and want to do as much with them as possible. They are such awesome kids!

Another inconvenience is that David and Eva are having another shower today. They are my sweet children and I love them so much. God willing, I'm going to be at the shower but it's not going to be easy. If you read this before 2:00 this afternoon, please send up extra prayers for me! The only way I'll miss it is if God puts His Foot down!

Oh well. As Scarlet would say, tomorrow is another day!

God is SO Good!

God is so good! I went to the doctor today and also had a chest x-ray. The x-ray showed no significant difference from last time. The really good news is that my doctor thinks that what she saw on the CT scan last time might have been the result of an infection. She thinks this because I've been on an antibiotic and my cough has improved. If my cough had not improved, she would have been more concerned. Yes, one of the tumors has grown but not enough to be really concerned. We discussed a couple of treatment options and she thinks the best idea is to keep doing the same treatment that I've been doing until she can repeat the CT scan in four weeks. She doesn't want to change my chemo until this regimen is definitely no longer working. Additional chemo would probably make me even more tired than I already am. It's always nice to get good news!

I'm so proud of Rachel! She was in a play at the Princess Theater tonight called "Promedy." As it sounds, it was a comedy about the prom. I was amazed that a high school cast could do such a good job! They were all outstanding! Kudos to you all!

TTFN! Ta-ta for now!

Stay the course

I'm not feeling well. I've had a lot of back pain today. We go to UAB tomorrow for a doctor visit and a chest x-ray. I should also begin the new chemo regimen soon--possibly tomorrow. It will be in pill form like I am taking now, but they will be additional pills. I currently take five chemo pills each day. I don't know how many additional pills I'll have to take. I'm not looking forward to new side effects.

It's becoming more difficult for me to go to work. Please pray for strength and endurance. Financially, I need to work but I also need to feel like I am contributing. Teaching is my calling and I want to be able to do it for as long as I can. I love my students. It will be a sad day when I have to give it up. Let's pray that doesn't happen for a long time!

On a brighter note, David is coming home Friday for his spring break. Woo-hoo! I haven't seen him in quite a while. I better get used to it since he's getting married soon! I'm so excited about the wedding. Rachel and I are giving Eva a shower this Sunday. Yes, I know I've mentioned it. But if you are reading this blog, then you just have to endure my excitement!

Did you see the full moon tonight? Beautiful! It's like God is saying, "Hello! Look what I can do!" He's so awesome!

Live life to the fullest!

Day Planners

Wow! There's so much going on right now! Rachel got accepted to the school of music at The University of Alabama where she will be studying music therapy. I'm so proud of her! I'm trying to prepare for a shower next weekend for David and Eva. I've got so much to be thankful for. I'm certainly not looking forward to Rachel moving out, but I'm proud of the decisions she has made and of the beautiful young woman that she has become. I can't believe that David is old enough to get married, but I am very thankful for the woman that God brought into his life and of the man that he has become. I am one blessed woman!

I will be traveling to UAB this Thursday for another chest x-ray and to learn about my new chemo. There will be new side effects to deal with, but hopefully my body will respond well and the tumors will shrink. I have been so tired lately. I just hope this chemo doesn't make me even more tired. It's just so frustrating! There are so many things that I need to be doing right now with Rachel's upcoming graduation and with David's wedding, and this cancer is just in the way! I don't recall scheduling it in my day planner! Just keep the prayers going. I know God is using this for something. He uses all of our circumstances for His ultimate glory. That's my biggest prayer--that I will look beyond my situation and see that it's all for Him.

Enjoy today. Live for Him.

News

Ok. So I went to the doctor today, had a CT scan, and an infusion treatment. News? I have new cancer lesions in my lungs and one that was already there has grown. I'm not exactly a happy camper. However, on the bright side, my doctor said that although she's not happy, this isn't devastating news. It happens. The prognosis really hasn't changed, but it does explain why I've been so much more weak and tired lately. I will begin a new regimen of chemo in two weeks. Woo-hoo! Time to learn about more side effects.

I'm not surprised. It's been increasingly difficult for me to bounce back from each treatment. I was dreading today because I felt the news would not be good. Does this show a lack of faith? I don't think so. I know that God can take away this cancer any time. I know that with every ounce of my being. I also know that He often allows us to endure hardships for our ultimate good or for the good of others. This life isn't about us. It never has been. It's about Him. It's about what we can do for Him through our love of others. Do I get angry because this is the road that has been set before me? You better believe it. Do I deserve this road? You better believe it, and much more. I'm glad I don't get what I deserve. If I got what I deserve, I'd die in excruciating pain and go to an eternity of even worse pain. I'm so glad I don't get what I deserve! God is so good!!

Enjoy each day. Live life to the fullest. Do His will. He loves you beyond reason.

Home today

I'm home today. I should be at school, but I got sick at school yesterday afternoon. If you know me well, you know that I forget to take time for me. Even as I write this, I feel guilty about being at home and not at school. I have a treatment tomorrow so I will definitely not be there then. I enjoy doing the things that I do and want to do them well. God is good and He has sustained me, but I'm just so tired!

I have a CT scan tomorrow as well so pray that it comes back normal. The scan's at 8:40, the doctor visit is as 11, and the infusion is at 1. Just another day at UAB.

Neal is working at home today. He normally goes to Nashville on Wednesday because he has a class on Wednesday night, but he loves me and wants to take care of me. He's stood beside me through everything. I've had so many health issues during our 25 years of marriage, but he's been right beside me through it all. I'm so blessed to have him.

With David's upcoming wedding, there are several things that I need to get done but just can't seem to gather the energy to do them. Please pray that I can somehow get them done. I know that he and Eva will get married on June 2 whether or not I'm able to do the things that need to get done now, but I want to be able to do these things for them. I'm just so thankful that God brought them together. Eva is going to be a wonderful addition to our family.

Oops. I'm doing it again--not taking care of me. I'm going to bed.

Challenges

I am going to try to update the blog each Saturday. We'll see if I can keep it up!

I'm beginning to become more tired. I just can't seem to bounce back from the treatments like I did before. I guess 17 months of chemotherapy will do that to a person!

This week has been a bit challenging. I've been trying to catch a cold. Yeah, I know. I shouldn't try too hard!

I have a treatment this Thursday. Like I've stated in the original post, I take chemo pills daily. The treatments I receive every three weeks include an infusion of herceptin and an infusion of zometa. Herceptin causes me to have a lack in concentration, and zometa causes flu-like symptoms. I don't exactly look forward to them.

I also have a CT scan scheduled for Thursday morning. I should know the results that day. Please keep us in your prayers. We do need them!

On a lighter note, I'm getting more and more excited about my son David's wedding. The wedding is June 2 and I'm in the midst of planning a shower for his fiance' Eva and in planning the rehearsal dinner. What an exciting time in their lives! Eva has truly been an answer to our prayers. She is such a blessing. My daughter Rachel is the maid of honor. How sweet of Eva to bestow such an honor on Rachel! I'm such a proud mom!

Keep on keeping on!

What a week it's been! God is so good. He allowed me to teach this week and complete much of the paperwork that is required of gifted specialists this time of year. Yes I've been quite tired, but I'm tired most of the time now. I'm so blessed to still be able to go to work and do what He has called me to do. He placed me at Monrovia for a reason. I struggle at times and want to just stay home, but I'm determined to persevere for as long as He will allow. Things could be so much worse. I'm blessed beyond reason. Several friends cooked dinner for my family this week; I received a goody basket one day from a dear colleague; and a sweet little girl from church sent me a Valentine card, reminding me that she prays for me each day. Thanks guys! I needed each one so much. It's been one of those weeks that I have been so tired of being tired. It's been good to be reminded that others think of me and pray for me. This battle can be quite a lonely one at times.

I completed my Sunday School lesson for tomorrow. Did I mention that I teach 9^th and 10^th grade youth? We are studying Revelation, and chapter 7 is the chapter for tomorrow. I literally cried at times when reading how He will wipe every tear from our eyes. Oh how wonderful that day will be! Come quickly Lord Jesus!

I have felt good today. Saturday is often a day when I'm extremely tired and often have a headache. I guess it's a result of the week. Not today! I'm not able to do what I want to do, (Believe it or not, I WANT to do housework!) but I've enjoyed preparing my lesson and watching some TV with my dear sweet husband. Neal is such a trooper. He has health problems of his own, but he's always there for me. He loves me dearly and the feeling is quite mutual.

Until next time!

A done deal

After several people told me that they wanted me to make a calendar, I did. If you want the login information, let me know and I'll email it to you or send it to you via a message on facebook. Thanks guys. God is good!

Calendar?

I have a question for you. I have never been one to ask for help. Many of you have stated that you want to help me and have offered ways to help. However, I don't want to impose. I also know that when I have a friend in need, I want to be able to help too. With that said, another friend suggested that I create a calendar on which people could insert a day to bring food, offer to clean, or run errands. It's really tough on me to do this, but I'm not happy watching my husband practically have a melt down because of all of the extra burdens that have been placed in his lap. Rachel is still home and helps, but she is a senior and I want her to enjoy her senior year. She is involved in many activities and I don't want her to have to give them up. Besides, she will be moving out in August and will no longer be a resource of help anyway. So, should I create a calendar? Like I said, this is a tough one for me, but I know that a lot of stress would be lifted from me if I would just accept the help that is offered.

Thank you guys. You are all a blessing.

Why did I do that again?

This hasn't been the best of weeks. I had a treatment Monday, which was not a good idea. I usually have treatments on Thursday so I can have the weekend to recuperate before going back to work on Monday. This time, however, I postponed it because of my sweet Rachel's 18th birthday. The next few Thursday's were booked so I had to take a Monday. Not good! I was not able to get the rest that I normally do after a treatment and I'm feeling it. Don't get me wrong. I am very blessed to have the job that I have. Being a teacher of the gifted, my students come to me so I had the choice of staying home all week or just canceling my classes but still going to work. (Unless I'm forgetting something, this was the first time that I had cancelled my classes and still gone to work since all of this began.) Since I've had to use quite a few sick days during the last couple of years, I went to work. I might not have been teaching, but I stayed QUITE busy. For gifted specialists, this is the time of year in which we are doing the most paperwork. I currently have a huge stack of papers on my desk. Let me explain. All throughout the first semester of school, gifted specialists visit second grade classrooms to do activities with students for the purpose of finding students who are demonstrating gifted characteristics. We collect a vast quantity of information. Since I don't have a lot of energy these days, I was blessed to have a dear co-worker to do all of that for me. Thank you Sherrie! Now that all of that information has been collected, we are putting it all together and examining each product the students have given us while looking for gifted characteristics. This is quite a daunting task. Since I haven't had students this week, I spent the entire week looking at all of these products. Sherrie is at three different schools (I'm sorry girl!), so she was unable to help me until yesterday. Even though I spent the entire week combing through hundreds of products and Sherrie was there combing through them with me yesterday, we still aren't done! And my energy level is diminishing. I am also the lead gifted specialist in our system so I have other responsibilities besides teaching and all of this paperwork that I just mentioned. Whew! But God is good and I am blessed to have this job. I love doing what I do. It's fun seeing what seven- and eight-year-old children can create. You'd be amazed!

But I digress. You're right Lisa M. This is going to be quite therapeutic for me. I should have started this a long time ago. Even if no one reads it, I can pour out my thoughts and feelings and help myself sort them out. Life is good and I am blessed. God placed me here on this earth for a specific number of days and I need to appreciate each one. We all do. Just look around. It's amazing how He has blessed us. We are just specks in this vast universe, yet He cares about every single one of us. Simply unbelievable! Why? I have no idea. We certainly haven't done anything to deserve His love. That's the beauty of it. He loves us anyway. We can't do anything to obtain His love, and we can't do anything to lose His love. Ephesians 2:9 states, "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God--not by works, so that no one can boast." (emphasis mine). There is nothing we can do to earn His love, and there is nothing we can do to lose His love. He IS love. He cannot NOT love us. Astounding!

Wow! Am I preaching or what! I'm just so happy to be His. I may be experiencing trials right now, but because I accepted His love for me, this is as bad as it will get. If you haven't accepted Jesus and His wondrous love, PLEASE DO SO! Because I have accepted Him and His love, this world is the closest to hell that I will ever be. I have nothing but wonder and glory to look forward to. So bring it on!

From the top...

So I've decided to start a blog to keep you guys current with what's going on with me. Most of you probably don't know a lot of the specifics, so I'll just start from the beginning.

In April of 1998, I found a lump in my left breast. I went to my doctor but wasn't diagnosed with breast cancer until June 15. On June 25 I had a radical mastectomy and reconstructive surgery. I then began six months of chemotherapy that was followed by 28 rounds of radiation. When that was completed, I began taking a daily hormone pill and continued with that treatment for five years. For the next twelve years, I saw my oncologist at least yearly and received great check-ups. However, in June of 2010 that changed.

When I saw my oncologist in June of 2010, I had recently lost about 30 pounds without trying. This concerned her so she ordered some additional tests. One of them showed a spot on my sacrum, which is a bone just above the tailbone. Additional tests showed a spot on my lungs and possibly my liver. A doctor at UAB tried to biopsy my lung but was unable to without major surgery. I didn't want that so another doctor biopsied my sacrum. On August 11 I received the call that no one wants to receive. I soon began seeing a breast cancer specialist at the Kirklin Clinic at UAB. She told me that I had stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. Although the cancer is not in my breast, since my original cancer was breast cancer this cancer is considered to be breast cancer that has spread to other tissues, or metastatic breast cancer. It is in my bone, lung, and possibly liver. My prognosis was 10-15 years. But hey, God is good and new treatments are always on the horizon. Ten-15 years? They'll find a cure before then! I'll probably have grandchildren to play with and I don't need to go anywhere!

However, to continue after my slight digression, I began chemotherapy treatments on September 2. I was tolerating the treatments fairly well, but I was getting more and more tired. In March of 2011, my doctor decided to change my chemotherapy to a daily pill. At that point I began taking five chemo pills per day and receiving herceptin and zometa infusions every three weeks. I have continued on that regimen since that time. I take zometa because the cancer spread to the bone and zometa can help reduce and delay bone complications. The herceptin works with the chemotherapy to fight the cancer.

Because the cancer is stage 4, I will need to be on some type of treatment for the rest of my life. Yes, I'm tired—physically and emotionally. I'm not able to do many of the things that I used to do. Neal does the majority of the cooking in our house now, which is quite a challenge for him since he has to drive to Nashville (four hours round trip) at least three times a week. I try to do some housework, but I usually run out of energy before it gets done. But God has sustained me. He's not through with me yet!

“The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.” ~ Zephaniah 3:17. The LORD our God takes great delight in us! He even rejoices over us with singing! Can you even begin to imagine that! I may have my problems, but my God is with me and rejoicing over me. Hallelujah!