Unexpected Turns

I started taking chemo again last Thursday. Yay me! I take five pills every day. So far, I've been more tired than usual and have had a few stomach issues, but nothing major. Keep the prayers going!

If all goes as planned, next Thursday, February 4 will be my last day at school with March 1 being the official retirement date. I know God has another plan for me now, but it's still not easy to leave the best job in the world. I just have to trust and know that His thoughts and ways are so much higher than mine. I can only see from my very limited perspective; in contrast, He already knows how it all ends. He's got this!

Please pray for me and my family as we enter this new phase of our lives. Yes, my children are grown, but they love their mom and it's tough on them too. It's definitely tough on Neal with all that he does for me. Maybe I'll be able to help more now that I hopefully won't be as fatigued.

Pray for my sweet Mama. I still haven't told her. Since her assisted living flooded on Christmas day, she has had to stay in the adjacent nursing home and hasn't felt great herself. I haven't wanted to make her feel worse. She's quite a tough lady, but she also loves her baby. Tuesday was January 26--nine years since my sister Barbara was killed in a car accident; Wednesday was January 27--nine years since Daddy died from the strokes he had a month earlier. I called her Monday and she was quite unhappy as she remembered that anniversary. I just can't bring myself to tell her about my situation yet. God will tell me when it's time.

Life can really take unexpected turns sometimes. The key is, are we ready to face those turns? I can't imagine not having the One Who knows what's around those turns in my life. Revelation 1:8 states, "I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End," says the LORD, "Who is and Who was and Who is to come, the Almighty." He was there when the cancer cells were present in my body but were yet undiscovered; He's been there throughout this entire journey with me; and He'll be there when I take my last breath on this Earth. But that won't be the end. Next, I'll be sitting at His Feet and will forever be in His presence. Oh what a glorious Day that will be! Can you see it? Can you feel it? Oh the joy! In the meantime, I just have to keep remembering these verses.

" 'For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways,' declares the Lord. 'As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.' " ~ Isaiah 55:8-9

 

God's got this!!

Depression and Hope

Today has been a rough day. No reason. I've just been down. I feel guilty about feeling this way because God is so good and I know He's got this. One way or another, He's got this.

I've been completing paperwork today for my retirement. It's hasn't been a big deal so far (but Social Security is next), but it's just been a reminder of the new phase of life that I am entering and I don't like it. Neal suggested we sit down and start planning for things for me to do after retirement. Hopefully, that will help me feel better. I know I want to help with Staycation at my church as much as possible. Cave Spring started doing this event last year during spring break. We spend the week serving the community and helping to meet various needs. It is quite tiring so I know I won't be able to help as much as I'd like, but it will be better than nothing. I'm really happy about the work that my church is doing in our community for our Savior. It really shows how we can be His Hands and Feet. Now that I'm about to be retired, I want to be able to do so much more. I know I have limitations, but I also know He will equip me with what I need. The bottom line is that He doesn't need me to spread His Gospel, but He graciously allows me to do so.

What does the future hold for me? I have no idea, but I want to take each day as it comes and enjoy each one. Yes, today has been more of a dreary one, but I was able to be dreary with my husband and for that I am blessed. Neal has been so great through all of this. God truly knew what He was doing when He brought the two of us together. What a surprise! LOL!!

I just have to keep on keeping on. God's got this. When I have trouble persevering, He's got this. I just need to keep His Word close.

"You are my refuge and my shield; I have put my hope in Your Word." ~ Psalm 119:114

Indeed I have. Thank You, sweet Jesus. Thank You.

And the Decision is...

When the cancer returned in 2010, my doctor asked me then if I wanted to consider going on disability. I definitely said no. I absolutely love what I do. I am a teacher. I teach tomorrow's leaders. Today, they are 8-11 years old boys and girls with aspirations to be normal kids but are anything but. Yes, I teach gifted students. Gifted kids are often misunderstood. Many people believe they don't need additional help because they can learn on their own. Yes, they generally learn more quickly, but they deserve to learn new things as much as any other student. Many parents shy away from telling others their child is gifted because other parents think they are bragging. Would I be bragging if I said one of my kids is a boy and the other is a girl? It's just a fact. And there's so much that goes along with being a gifted kid that no one thinks about. They often have many social and emotional issues that aren't understood. I could go on and on, but that isn't what this post was supposed to be about. I just wanted you to get a feel for how incredibly difficult this decision has been for me. I love my students and being a small part of their precious lives. I truly believe that I will see many of them making headlines in the future with their groundbreaking activities.

Yes, the decision is made. My doctor told me after cancer metastasized to the brain that life expectancy is greatly reduced. She said I could live for many years, but most are doing well to live six. As she put it, "it's time to enjoy the good cutlery." Oh, I know Who is really in control and I could be around longer than most of you, but the odds are certainly in your favor. Even when she asked me to strongly consider retirement in December, I was trying to think of ways I could just "cut back" and not work as much. If you're a teacher, you know there is truly no cutting back. You will always have lesson plans, paperwork, curriculum to write, new technology to learn, and the list goes on. I remember when I worked part time many moon ago, it was never really part time. Part time teaching just doesn't exist.

So, when I saw my doctor again Monday and she asked why I had not gone on disability, I really couldn't answer. I love my students. I love my faculty. I love my principal. I have the best job in the world, yet I'm being asked to give it up. I just don't get it. Sometimes, life can really kick you in the rear.

Yes, the decision is made. I can't be who I want to be anymore. I have to retire. But, as one of my sweet friends reminded me last night, I can kick back and enjoy life. No more lesson plans, gifted testing, faculty meetings, endless paperwork, etc. I plan to enjoy life, to go on vacations when everyone else is in school, to sleep late, to do what I want for a change. Yes, life can be quite challenging, but it can be really sweet as well. This isn't the end; it's only the beginning.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and future." ~ Jeremiah 29:11

Or, as one of my sweet teacher friends translated, "Sieze the tail of the tiger and smile."

January 13 Update

I went to the doctor Monday. I will begin taking Tykerb (oral chemo) again in a couple of weeks. The last time I took it, it made me really tired but I didn't have a lot of other side effects.

I've been in a lot of pain lately and need your prayers. I love teaching, but it has been really challenging for me lately. I so appreciate my supportive faculty at Monrovia. They are the best!

Again, please pray for decisions that I need to make. God is good and will provide an answer. He's got this!