Not the best news, but not the worst

Well, the wait begins again. As a cancer survivor, (and yes, I may not "technically" be considered a cancer survivor because I'm not in remission or cancer free, but I am a survivor!), we spend a lot of time hurrying up and waiting. Hurry to our appointments; wait to be seen. Hurry to have tests; wait for results. Hurry to listen to the doctor; wait for another appointment for more tests. That's where I am now. I had an MRI yesterday. The cancer lesions in my brain that were radiated in November have grown. Now, that sounds bad, but it might not be. It's either tumor growth, or swelling from the radiosurgery. I will go back in a month for another MRI to see if there has been any change. This particular type of MRI should show if the blood vessels surrounding the lesions have a larger blood supply. If so, then it's probably cancerous. If not, then it's probably not. They also want to wait a month to see if there is additional growth. The doctors believe that it is probably swelling due to the radiosurgery, but they won't know without the additional MRI. The MRI report stated, "Although tumor progression cannot be ruled out, the findings are felt to be related to treatment-related changes." Regardless, we have to wait. And waiting causes you to think. And thinking causes you to enter realms where cancer patients sometimes travel. Facing mortality.

"'For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are yours ways My ways,' declares the LORD. 'For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.'" ~ Isaiah 55:8-9

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.'" ~ Jeremiah 29:11

God has a plan. I have to wait on it. Is it challenging to wait? You bet your sweet patooty it is! But I don't have a choice. I have a granddaughter on the way. I have to believe she'll have her paternal grandmother there for her. If not and my time is up, then I'll wake up in the Arms of Jesus. Not to worry. I'm not giving up. Not until the curtain is drawn. But when it is, I'll be free! Free to live again! Free to run and dance and sing! Oh what a wonderful Day that will be! Oh how I love my sweet Jesus! Yes, I want to be here to see my granddaughter grow into the beautiful young woman I know she will be, but don't anyone think for a minute that I will miss out on anything. I want to be here with my family, and I want to be here for my family. If you know me, then you know how much my family means to me. One thing that hurts when I think of my demise is knowing how it will hurt them, but I guess that's the way it is for a lot of people.  I love my family dearly, but they can't compare with my sweet Jesus. Oh what a Day that will be! "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." ~ Philippians 1:21

It may sound like I'm giving up, but I'm not. I'm choosing to believe it's just swelling, but I am human and those thoughts of mortality are mean and they do enter the picture. I am a fighter and I know Who is ultimately in control. If I am to stay here and work for Him a little longer, then so be it; if I am to leave this world and enter the next, then so be it. As a Christian, I am not scared of death. The process of dying is not a topic of endearment, however. It's not pleasant to think about how most of us suffer during that process, but it's just for a season.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." ~ Philippians 4:6-7

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." ~ John 14:27

"Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes in the morning." ~ Psalm 30:5b

My biggest prayer is that you will all have that peace and that joy.

My Life is a Whirlwind

I haven't blogged in a while. I've thought about it, but I just haven't done it. I've had many ups and downs since my last blog. I've been extremely sick at times, and I have felt really good at times. I never know how each day will be. Oh, I know. None of us really know what each day will bring; however, I can feel really good one day, really bad the next, and okay the next. Each day, each moment brings surprises. It's quite challenging to plan for anything. When plans are made, those involved know that I might have to cancel at the last minute. For example, a few weeks ago, I called my Mama to see if she was up for a visit. Within a few seconds after asking her, I got sick and had to tell her I couldn't come. I thank God for extremely flexible family and friends who know that I might have to bail at the last minute.

I go back to the doctor next Monday, July 18. I will have an MRI that morning followed by visits to two different oncologists. I've always dreaded these visits, but now there's always that dread that there might be another brain tumor. I know God's got this and I don't even think about it most of the time, but as the UAB visit approaches, that nagging question is there. Is it a lack of faith? Of course it is. But I'm human and the concern is still there. It's really interesting how each time I was told that I had a new tumor, I was able to remain calm. And that, my friend, is God. He has comforted me so much during these times. I think one of the biggest problems we humans have is facing the unknown. When we finally receive a "label," we might not like it but it makes sense.

I know most of you go about your daily lives and don't think to pray for me, and I get it. I really do. As Kevin said in Home Alone 2--you don't forget me, you forget to remember me. Please try not to forget to remember me and pray for me. I appreciate each one.

"Then Jesus told His disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up." ~ Luke 18:1

And the really challenging one--

"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." ~ 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Wow. Now that's a tough one!