Defying the Odds

Another lovely day at the UAB Kirklin Clinic and the Hazelrig-Salter Radiation Oncology Center! These days are oh so long and they tire me out immensely, but today was worth it. Once again, my MRI scans were stable. Once again, I left feeling a surge of relief. Once again, the prayers of so many precious saints entered the Throne Room on my behalf. Once again, my sweet Savior listened and answered in the affirmative. My doctors are quite happy with the results of today's scans. One even said I was defying the odds--once cancer metastasizes to the brain, circumstances are dire. It's been two years since the radiosurgery--two years since I started the third portion of my journey. Two more years of prayers from precious saints. Two more years of life. I think of all that has happened within the last two years--so much that I would have missed without modern technology and, most importantly, your prayers. Defying the odds? Medically and scientifically speaking, maybe so. But when God speaks, none of that matters.

Honestly, there are many days that I don't feel that I have much value in this world any more and feel that going Home would be much better. However, I know that His ways and plans are much higher than mine. I'm sure He uses me in ways that are unbeknownst to me, as I'm sure He does with us all. Whether we like it or not, we impact the world around us. It is my prayer that mine is a positive one for Him.

I can't emphasize enough how much the fervent prayers of precious saints has meant in my journey. Do you realize He saves our prayers? He has kept each prayer that you have uttered. What kind of collection does He have stored for you? For me? 

"And He [Jesus] came and took the scroll from the right hand of the One [God the Father] seated on the throne. When He had taken the scroll, the four living creatures and the twenty-four elders fell down before the Lamb. Each one had a harp, and they held the golden bowls full of incense, which are the prayers of the saints." ~ Revelation 5:7-8

"Then another angel, who had a golden censer, came and stood at the altar. He was given much incense to offer, along with the prayers of all the saints, on the golden altar before the throne. And the smoke of the incense, with the prayers of the saints, rose up before God from the hand of the angel." ~ Revelation 8:3-4

Our prayers are precious to our Father. Again, thank you for taking the time to enter the Throne Room on my behalf.

Happy Birthday Barbara!

I really miss my sister today. Happy Birthday Barbara. I know you are more alive and happier than you've ever been, but I'm selfish and I miss you. You were one of my biggest cheerleaders and best friends, and I really want to talk to you. I think about how you were there for me during my first round with cancer, and I know you'd be here for me now. Since I need to talk to you, I'm going to write this as a letter.

Mama's birthday was Saturday. 95! We were able to give her a small, fairly impromptu birthday party. She was so happy about it! Michael, Belinda, Carolyn, Lori, me, Neal, Rachel, Alice (her favorite caregiver at the assisted living), Jean, and Eual were all able to be there. (Eual is Jean's new husband. Bobby passed away years ago, which I'm sure you know since you've probably seen him!) We didn't give her much, since she moved to the nursing home last month and doesn't have much room. I gave her a calendar, hoping someone could mark the days off for her so she could keep up with what day it is. That's really challenging for her now because she spends most of her time in her room.

I'm not having a very good day. I felt ok earlier, but then I received a call from US Bioservices (my specialty pharmacy from which I receive my chemo). They said my insurance company was not going to cover my Xeloda this month. They've been covering it for over a year now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I contacted my doctor. Hopefully, she can call someone and get it straightened out. Since that phone call, I've developed quite a headache. Hmm...Coincidence? I know, no such thing!

Your children have practically grown up! Heather is 17 and a senior now, and Justin is a junior and about to be 17. I've told them about some or our shenanigans when we were younger. They love hearing stories about their Mom. I hope you don't mind. If you do, you can fuss at me when I get there. :-)

You'd be so proud of David and Rachel. David is working at Teledyne Brown, is married, and has a daughter! Can you believe that?! I'm a grandmother! Rachel is a social worker with the Jackson County DHR. Oh the stories I've heard! She knows her limits though. She never shares any names. :-)

I feel better already. I love you Barbara. Until we meet again!

The Strangeness of Time

"A day is like a thousand years and a thousand years are like a day."
2 Peter 3:8

This is in reference to how God views time, but it has more significance to us the older we get. Some moments seem to last for a long time, yet the weeks, months, and years tend to go by quickly. When I'm in a lot of pain, as I am at this moment, time seems to stand still. Yet, I can look back at a previous year or years and time has gone by very quickly.

My Mama is in the hospital. She fell, went to the ER, and they discovered she has a UTI. She'll be 95 in November, so a UTI can be very serious for a person her age. I'm in too much pain to visit her. She's an hour and a half away. That makes me angry, frustrated, and sad all at the same time. I don't want to tell her why I can't visit her because that will make her worry, which could make her feel even worse. But I want her to know that I would be there if I could.

I can't even begin to tell you how frustrated I am with the pain that I have to endure. There are times that I feel fine, but those times are quite rare. I just don't understand why my life has to be this way. I know this life is all about Him, which I tell my Sunday school class frequently, but when you're living in the moment and experiencing excruciating pain, it's quite challenging to put things in perspective. I have to remember that although this moment may seem like it lasts for a thousand years, a thousand years will seem like just a moment.

As always, I covet your prayers.

I am a Soul.

"You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body." ~ C. S. Lewis

One of my favorite quotes. I am so thankful that I will not live in this body forever. This body will die, but my soul will live forever. This body weighs me down. My soul will one day be free to fly.

So Tired

I am so tired. Again, I have an excruciating headache. Our God is an awesome God. I know I am already completely healed. It's times like this when I don't feel healed, but I'm glad my healing isn't based on my feelings. God's got this. I know this.

Much Incense!

God is SO good!! Even in the storms. Always and forever! Sometimes it doesn't feel like things are so good, but this is not one of those times. Thank you SO much for your prayers! Both of my brain tumors have shrunk! I know some of you pray for me consistently, and for that I am grateful. Like I've stated before, entering His Throne room is a serious matter and I appreciate each time that you enter for my sake. Don't ever think He's not listening. He always is. Look at these verses in Revelation.

"And when He [Jesus] had taken it [the little scroll], the four living creatures and the twenty-four elders fell down before the Lamb. Each one had a harp and they were holding golden bowls full of incense, which are the prayers of God's people." ~ Revelation 5:8

"Another angel, who had a golden censer, came and stood at the altar. He was given much incense to offer, with the prayers of all God's people, on the golden altar in front of the Throne. The smoke of the incense, together with the prayers of God's people, went up before God from the angel's hand." ~ Revelation 8:3-4

He is collecting our prayers! He not only listens to each one that we offer to Him, but He keeps each one! Does that not blow your mind?! He cares so much that He keeps each one, like we keep each special gift that our child gives us. Our prayers become much incense that will be offered to Him on the golden altar before His Throne. He is so good. He is so faithful. He is eternal. Thank You my sweet Jesus!

Just laying it out there

Some of you may wonder why I tend to lay it all out there. Our God is an awesome God and I believe that if even a handful of you will pray for me, then it's worth it. On that note, I've been sick the last couple of days and can really use your prayers. I think all of this stress has really taken a toll on me. I need to keep those verses about anxiety and stress and worry on my mind, don't I?

It's such an honor to know that so many of you approach His throne on my behalf. Please keep the prayers going. Thank you.

Here are some verses I need to keep on the forefront of my mind.

Yay God!!

Our God is an awesome God! 

He reigns from heaven above 

With wisdom, power, and love 

Our God is an awesome God! 

(For those of you who know the song, sing along!!)

Thank you SOOO much for all of your prayers! I found out this morning that my copay won't increase after all! Yay God!!! He is faithful. He cares. He loves me more than I can even imagine. I look at my family and know how much I love them, but He loves them so much more. Wow!! Ineffable love!!!

I've posted this poem before, but it's one of my all-time favorites. You did good Henry. 😉 

A Psalm of Life

Related Poem Content Details

BY HENRY WADSWORTH LONGFELLOW

What The Heart Of The Young Man Said To The Psalmist.

Tell me not, in mournful numbers, 

   Life is but an empty dream! 

For the soul is dead that slumbers, 

   And things are not what they seem. 

Life is real! Life is earnest! 

   And the grave is not its goal; 

Dust thou art, to dust returnest, 

   Was not spoken of the soul. 

Not enjoyment, and not sorrow, 

   Is our destined end or way; 

But to act, that each to-morrow 

   Find us farther than to-day. 

Art is long, and Time is fleeting, 

   And our hearts, though stout and brave, 

Still, like muffled drums, are beating 

   Funeral marches to the grave. 

In the world’s broad field of battle, 

   In the bivouac of Life, 

Be not like dumb, driven cattle! 

   Be a hero in the strife! 

Trust no Future, howe’er pleasant! 

   Let the dead Past bury its dead! 

Act,— act in the living Present! 

   Heart within, and God o’erhead! 

Lives of great men all remind us 

   We can make our lives sublime, 

And, departing, leave behind us 

   Footprints on the sands of time; 

Footprints, that perhaps another, 

   Sailing o’er life’s solemn main, 

A forlorn and shipwrecked brother, 

   Seeing, shall take heart again. 

Let us, then, be up and doing, 

   With a heart for any fate; 

Still achieving, still pursuing, 

   Learn to labor and to wait.

And again...

Please bear with me. I feel like most of my blog posts are "oh poor me" posts. I don't mean to be that way. I honestly have more good days than bad, but I write these posts because I often need to vent. Today is one of those days.

The last post I wrote was largely about dealing with insurance companies and the fact that the Tykerb (one of the chemo pills I take) had not been approved. Well, praise the Lord, it's been approved now. However, the copay could possibly increase from $25 to $150. It's already $150 for the Xeloda (other chemo pill) that I take. And that's just two of the medications that I take. I'm at the point of saying, just forget it. It's ridiculous. Why is my life being summed up on someone's bottom line? I am on a fixed income and can barely afford what I'm paying for now. I don't understand why the life of someone who can afford medication is worth saving more than mine. Can someone please explain that to me?

I'm sorry, but this news is quite fresh. I'm tired. I just want to go Home. I'm tired of being a burden to my family. Of course, they're wonderful and would tell you that I'm not, but I can't help feeling that way. It's been almost 19 years now. I just want it to stop.

I need to breathe Him in and remember His goodness and faithfulness. I'm posting several verses that I need to read and hear.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." ~ Proverbs 3:5-6

"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." ~ 1 Peter 5:7

"For with God, nothing shall be impossible." ~ Luke 1:37

"The faithful love of the Lord never ends." ~ Lamentations 3:22

"In His kindness, God called you to share in His eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, He will restore, support, and strengthen you, and He will place you on a firm foundation." ~ 1 Peter 5:10

"God showed how much He loved us by sending His One and Only Son into the world so that we may have eternal life through Him." ~ 1 John 4:9

"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see." ~ Hebrews 11:1

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." ~ James 1:2-3

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." 

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans."

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." ~ Romans 8: 18, 26, and 28

"And He said to His disciples, 'For this reason I say to you, do not worry about your life, as to what you will eat; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. Consider the ravens, for they neither sow nor reap; they have no storeroom nor barn, and yet God feeds them; how much more valuable you are than the birds! And which of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life’s span? If then you cannot do even a very little thing, why do you worry about other matters? Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; but I tell you, not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass in the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, how much more will He clothe you? You men of little faith! And do not seek what you will eat and what you will drink, and do not keep worrying. For all these things the nations of the world eagerly seek; but your Father knows that you need these things. But seek His kingdom, and these things will be added to you.' " ~ Luke 12:22-31

I could go on and on. Basically, God is faithful. He is loving. He cares. But I'm still tired. Please keep me in your prayers.

But hey. Let's end on a happy note. Here's a happy picture of Neal, Lucy, and me.

Insurance and Red Tape

I've been doing well lately, and I'm doing well today. For that I am very thankful. But I am really tired of red tape, negligence, and insurance companies. Don't get me wrong. I'm thankful that I have insurance. Without it, I wouldn't be here. My medications and procedures have been covered without too many incidents. However, when an incident occurs, it doesn't make me happy.

It started just before the new year. I contacted my pharmacy to let them know I was almost out of Xeloda (three chemo pills are taken twice a day for a week, stop for a week, then repeat). The man with whom I spoke claimed I would have my pills by Thursday 1/5. I didn't have enough to take until that point, so I delayed the start of the cycle by a day. He called me again on 1/5 to arrange the delivery on 1/6--they wanted to ship the Xeloda with the Tykerb (five pills are taken daily). I'm sorry, but I believe my health is more important that saving shipping costs. Anyway, I was now out. It didn't arrive on 1/6 because of weather conditions everywhere but here. In the meantime, I emailed my doctor about the situation. She told me how to proceed and had ordered a new prescription of Tykerb on 1/3. I finally received the Xeloda on 1/9.

On to the Tykerb. I've been expecting my pharmacy to contact me concerning a prescription renewal and planned to contact them by Monday 1/16 if they had not contacted me. (With chemo pills, the pharmacy is not a regular pharmacy. I can't go to a neighborhood pharmacy to pick it up. It's ordered through a specialty pharmacy and then shipped to me. They generally contact me when it's time for a new shipment.) However, I received a letter from my insurance company today, stating they were unable to authorize Tykerb at this time. Their licensed clinical pharmacist reviewed my case and didn't approve it. They stated I needed to be taking Xeloda with the Tykerb before they could approve it. Excuse me? They should know I do since they're paying for a vast majority of it! 

Sorry about the rant. I am VERY appreciative of all that's been paid for by the insurance company, but I have very little tolerance for neglect at this level. Their licensed clinical pharmacist could easily have looked at my history and known that I needed this medication. Instead, they're more concerned about dotting every i and crossing every t. I'm sure that all it will take is a call from my doctor to correct the situation, but it really shouldn't have to be done. In the meantime, I'll have to cut back on the number of Tykerb I take each day so I'll have enough for the next shipment.

Let me emphasize that I have been doing MUCH better lately. I am very thankful for that. I'm going to enjoy these days. I am thankful that I have the Xeloda now and will start the next cycle tomorrow (1/15). However, Xeloda doesn't like me. It gives me more headaches, makes me more tired, and gives me stomach cramps. Please pray that it will be nice to me this time. He listens, you know. 😉