The Good and the Bad

I think the time between my posts is getting longer and longer. For those of you not on Facebook, I apologize.

My last doctor's appointment in late August went very well. I had MRI and CT scans that showed the cancer had shrunk! Yay!! Because of this, she said I could start having treatments every 3 months instead of every 3 weeks! I was one happy camper! I have a doctor appointment on October 7, but I don't have another treatment until December 5. After 3 years of going every 3-5 weeks, extending that time to every 3 months sounds fantabulous!

However, I had to start teaching again. Don't get me wrong; I love being a teacher, but it's an extremely demanding job. I have a lot on me this year, and even though I don't have to have treatments as often, I'm still battling this disease. I am tired just about all of the time. This is a very difficult post for me to write, but I'm going to write it anyway. When I woke up this morning, after struggling with a headache all night (which I've had for days now), I really didn't see the point in being here any more. I really wanted to go Home where I will have a glorified body and not have to deal with this any more. I didn't know if I was going to take my medicine because I just didn't see the point. When I told Neal, his face just dropped. I felt bad even telling him. I keep a lot internalized because I feel that a huge burden of responsibility has been placed on my shoulders. During my life, since I was 17 years old, I have had to deal with one health problem after another. It has not been an easy road. God has been with me every step of the way, but sometimes I want to literally be in His Arms.

As selfish as I was feeling about being ready to give up, I know I have family members who would be devastated. So, I decided to post on Facebook this morning that I needed prayers for my physical and emotional well-being. Oh how you came through! Although my headache is not gone, it is much better and I'm in a much better frame of mind. Our God is so good! Thank you for being there for me once again and boldly going to His throne for my sake. I know I will be much better off and much happier once I go Home, but I also know that He's not through with me here yet. Thank you SO much for the prayers so that He would remind me of that. You guys rock!!

Everybody's got a story to tell.

Everybody's got a story to tell. I had the privilege of sharing a portion of mine at church Sunday morning. I will attempt to recount what I shared at church here.

About 3 1/2 years ago I got sick with what I thought was a cold, but it just wouldn't go away. Eventually, I lost my voice and thought it was just laryngitis but it didn't get any better. I went to an ENT and he couldn't figure out what was going on either. He ran a series of tests and finally told me that I had a paralyzed vocal cord and it may or may not get better. My brain might heal the cord and it might not. Only time would tell. So for about 1 1/2 year I could barely speak, but it started healing. I still don't have full use of it. I can't sing like I used to. I can't reach notes that I used to, and I can't talk very loudly but I can talk. I'm quite thankful that God chose to give my voice back to me!

Not long after I initially lost my voice, I had my yearly oncology visit. Back in 1998, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I went through a year of treatments and had been in remission since that time. During this oncology visit in 2010, I expressed concern about some things that were going on. My doctor did some tests and found a couple of spots that were concerning to her. I went through a lot of tests that summer which finally led to the fact that the cancer had returned in my bones and my lung. By now, I was seeing a breast cancer specialist in Birmingham. She told me it was stage four metastatic breast cancer and could not be cured, so I asked her how long I had. She said that with my history and the fact that the lesions were so small, I could have 10-15 years. That at least gives me an idea of what she thinks I have to work with. I know, however, that I could die tomorrow or I could live to be 100; it's all up to God. 

Does it matter that I have cancer? Not really. What matters is how I respond to it. I often tell my 9th and 10th grade small group that 100 years from now it won't matter what happened to you. What matters is how you respond to it. Even now, it doesn't matter to someone whom I don't know that I have cancer. But what if my response leads someone else to wonder how I can respond to my situation like I do. Several of you have told me that you don't know how I do it--that you know you wouldn't be able to handle it like I do. You are absolutely right. YOU can't, but God can. I have to let Him take control. If an unsaved person I encounter comes to know Christ as a result of my response to this situation, then it's all worth it. That person could then share with the person I don't know who could get saved and then become a missionary somewhere on the other side of the world. Our responses to our situations matter. 

Think of Job. The story isn't just about Job and what happened to him. The story is about how he handles the situation, and it is also about how his family and friends handle the situation. I am so blessed to have a husband who has been right there beside me every step of the way. I also have friends who have stepped up to help or to just offer encouraging words. Read the story again. Put yourself in Job's shoes, his wife's shoes, and his friends' shoes. How would you have responded? I'm not facing anything like Job faced, but I would like to think that through God I have made a difference. 

However, I don't want you to think that I face this battle without question. Yes, today I feel quite blessed and privileged that God has chosen me to walk this path. Tomorrow, I might feel differently. This road is tough. Sometimes I feel quite alone and forgotten. It's been three years. By those calculations, the world would now say I have 7-12 years left. There again, it could be tomorrow or I could live to be 100. God knew from before the beginning of time just how many days I would have here on this Earth. I'm not afraid of death. I know my destination. It's just the getting there that frightens me. What about you? If you were to be diagnosed with a dreadful disease or if someone you love were to be diagnosed, how would you handle it? Is Christ at the center of your life?

"Blessings" by Laura Story has become a song that I treasure, but I still can't reach many of the notes (even if I sing it at a lower key) so I asked our minister of music's wife Cereta to sing it for me. Thank you Cereta! You did  a beautiful job! "Need You Now" by Plumb is also a song that touches my heart. Neal played the song at a much lower key for me so I could reach the notes. I sang it in church Sunday morning. Here are the words.

Well, everybody's got a story to tell.

And everybody's got a wound to be healed.

I want to believe there's beauty here.

'Cause oh, I get so tired of holding on.

I can't let go, I can't move on.

I want to believe there's meaning here.

How many times have you heard me cry out

"God please take this?"

How many times have you given me strength to 

Just keep breathing?

Oh I need you

God, I need you now.

Standing on a road I didn't plan

Wondering how I go to where I am.

I'm trying to hear that still small voice.

I'm trying to hear above the noise.

How many times have you heard me cry out

"God please take this?"

How many times have you given me strength to 

Just keep breathing?

Oh I need you

God, I need you now.

Though I walk, 

Though I Walk through the shadows

And I, I am so afraid.

Please stay, Please stay right beside me

With every single step I take.

How many times have you heard me cry out?

And how many times have you given me strength?

How many times have you heard me cry out

"God please take this?"

How many times have you given me strength to 

Just keep breathing?

Oh I need you

God, I need you now.

I need you now

Oh I need you

God, I need you now.

I need you now.

I need you now.

Rest!

I've been doing fairly well recently. I'm out of school for the summer, so I'm getting more rest than I normally get so that has helped a lot. I've actually been able to clean my house! That isn't something I am able to do very often during the school year so if you come by for a visit between August and May, be prepared. :) 

I had a treatment Monday so I'm not feeling as well as I did last week, but I'm sure I will soon. I feel better than I do after treatments that I have during the school year, however. God is so good to give me this rest!

On June 30, I plan to sing a special at my church. I haven't done this in over 3 1/2 years. Between losing my voice and the cancer returning, I've been through quite a bit since then. I plan to share a portion of my story as well. Everybody has a story to tell. Each one molds us into who we are. The question is, do we allow God to use us through those stories? We really don't know what trials and tribulations are. Jesus paid it ALL. All to Him I owe. Please pray that I will have the strength and courage to share what Christ leads me to share and to focus on bringing glory to Him. He's all that matters.

The best laid plans...

Wow. I can't believe it has been so long since I have blogged. I know some of you keep up with me on facebook, but others keep up with me on here. To the second group, I do apologize. I remember about a year ago stating that I was going to try to submit an entry each Saturday. Oh well. The best laid plans...

So what's up with me? I've been doing fairly well. A couple of months ago, my doctor said that since my scans had been consistently showing that my cancer is stable, I could start coming every 4-5 weeks instead of every three for a treatment. I was so excited! I do get tired of making a trip to Birmingham every three weeks. It can be quite depressing. Last month, however, I was a bit dehydrated so I could not receive the Zometa. As a reminder, I receive Zometa to help reduce or delay complications the cancer can cause because it spread to my bones. It also helps with the bone pain. I'm supposed to drink a lot of water to help the Zometa secrete from my body properly. I keep a water bottle with me, but I obviously had not been drinking enough. Since then I have been drinking much more than before. I had a treatment Thursday and was no longer dehydrated. Yay! I've been having a lot of bone pain lately, so hopefully receiving the Zometa will help. Keep praying!

In the meantime, just remember that God's plan is always best. I know that all of this is part of His plan. I don't like it right now, but I know it's best and will work out for good. No matter what you may be going through, if you are His it will be okay in the end. As Romans 8:28 states, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." Until next time!

So Much Higher

Today, I was reminded by a dear friend just how God always works everything out for His glory and how He is always in control. He told me how he stopped by a friend's house one night after bringing us dinner and invited him to church. They talked a little about living the "right way." His friend started coming to church and told him tonight that he wouldn't be in church if my friend had not stopped by to talk to him. So, to sum it up, if I didn't have cancer, my friend wouldn't have brought me dinner that night and wouldn't have stopped by his friend's house and his friend wouldn't be in church today. I then shared a couple of stories with him, so I'll share them here.

The first time I had cancer, my sister started going to church with me. She was already a member at another church, but she wanted to attend with me to show me more love and support. Her husband started attending with her to support me as well. He had not attended church for many years. She had been praying that he would come back to God for the 15 years that she had known him. He kept attending and eventually joined the church. Later, he started working with the children at church. My sister had always wanted children but couldn't have them. Her husband had not minded because he didn't really want any. After working with children at church, he started to really like being around kids. They decided to adopt and adopted two children from Russia. After my sister was killed, they moved to Mississippi to be closer to his dad. The two children eventually got saved and they are all quite active in church. That makes at least three people who came to Christ because of my cancer. But how many others have been saved because of the ripple effect of these three? I may never know in this life, but I believe that one day I will! God is SO good!

Here's another example: a friend attended Judgment Seat with us one year and came back to Christ. He's now about to leave to do some missionary work on the other side of the world. The fact that we took him to Judgment Seat could eternally impact people across the globe! God is just SO good!It's very easy to get down and question why I have to go through this, but God always has an answer. 

Like I often tell my small group, a hundred years from now it won't matter that I had cancer. What will matter is how I respond to it. Our responses to our circumstances have a ripple effect to everyone around us. Try to remember that when you are having a tough day. God's ways are so much higher than our ways. As Isaiah 55:8-9 says, "'For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways,' declares the LORD. 'As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thought than your thoughts.'" From my viewpoint, having cancer stinks; but from God's viewpoint, it may mean salvation for some. He's just SO good!!