His Perfect Timing

God's timing is so perfect. He never ceases to amaze me. Last Sunday, I learned that one of my students in my small group (Cameron) is having Chiari surgery tomorrow. Now, you may not remember, but that is the same surgery that I had in 1988 and again in 2001. Each condition is different with very distinctive symptoms, but they all relate to the same thing. Basically, our brains are too far down in our heads and put pressure on our skulls causing a variety of problems including headaches, dizziness, nystagmus (involuntary eye movement), balance problems, loss of gag reflex (which I learned about today), etc. The surgery generally involves removing approximately a quarter-sized piece of the skull at the lower back of the head and covering the opening with a patch constructed from muscle tissue from the neck. This will relieve pressure the brain has been putting on the skull that results in these symptoms.

Cameron and his parents were at church again today and joined our church. I talked to them afterward. Obviously, his mom is beside herself with concern about this surgery. During the course of our conversation, I also discovered that she has breast cancer. Wow! Does God know how to lead a family to a particular place or what?! Low and behold, guess who has direct experience in both areas! Isn't He just amazing! The way He uses us can be so mind-blowing!

Yes, we hear how He allows things to happen to us for a reason. We often don't see how that experience can and does help someone else, but sometimes we do. The question that many ask is why He allows any of it in the first place. This is a fallen world and we are all in this together. The first sin committed resulted in all of the problems we have today. Some will say that it's not their fault that first sin was committed. True, but we ourselves mess up and sin. Each of our sins hurts God's creation that results in all the bad we see and experience. We messed up and we continue to mess up. The beauty is that God can use our "mess ups" to clean up other things. We just have to keep our eyes open to how He can use us.

I am definitely preaching to myself. This past year has especially been a challenging one for me. There have been MANY times that I have wanted to throw in the towel. However, on days like today God reminds me that He's not finished with me yet. And you know what? If you're still breathing, He's not finished with you either.

Romans 8:18-28

(emphasis mine)

18I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. 19For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. 20For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21that^h the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.

22We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. 24For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? 25But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

26In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 27And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.

28And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, whoⁱ have been called according to his purpose.

I have a friend who lost her teen daughter yesterday. It's quite a challenge to remember during such a time as this that His timing is perfect and that everything happens for a reason, but it does. Please pray for this family during this incredibly difficult time.

"And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this?”

~ Esther 4:14b

Yes!

I'm still in Birmingham, but I couldn't wait to give an update. Everything is stable! They're back to believing that the enlargement is due to swelling from the radiosurgery rather than tumor growth! A doctor once told me that I'm an enigma inside of a conundrum. Yep! That about sums me up!

Thank you SO much for your prayers! I know a lot of people are praying for me. I also know that our prayers are not always answered the manner in which we want them answered. But for now, I'll take it! He is awesome, almighty, wonderful, counselor, and most of all Savior! I love love love my Jesus!

A Bit of Wonder

I have an MRI and doctor appointment tomorrow. Woo-hoo! Can't wait!

I haven't been feeling that great lately. I'm taking two different types of daily chemo pills, and I've been having a lot of stomach cramps and overall weakness. But God is good! I'm trying to enjoy each day and each GOOD moment as it comes. It's nice to be able to really look at the world around you and appreciate it so much. And the colors are so vibrant! It looks more like October! 

I try not to be too sentimental with others, but I really enjoy each holiday and each special day that comes. I don't know what's growing in that head of mine and it's nice not to have to think about it, but I do. I know where my eternity lies and that REALLY excites me, but there's also a bit of wonder. Death doesn't frighten me. Oh how glorious it will be to see my Jesus face to face!!! It's the dying part that sounds quite despicable. At least I know that death doesn't have the victory! Now THAT is worth a hallelujah! 

"When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come to pass: 'Death has been swallowed up in victory.' 'Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?' "

1 Corinthians 15:54-55

Until next time!

Alone in a Crowded Room

Here we go again. Today is October 1. What does that mean? It's breast cancer awareness month. Yes, that's quite important. Yes, the awareness in and of itself has brought more funds to the research of this dreaded disease. Yes, each day that I'm still here means we're that much closer to a cure. But how long will it take? Cancer is such a complicated disease. I've been battling this for 18 years and I desperately need a cure NOW. It's metastasized to my brain and it's growing. I'm taking two different kinds of chemo pills every day, and it doesn't exactly make me feel like turning cartwheels. I'm just SO tired.

Yes, God's got this. Yes, He'll continue to walk me through like He always does. But today? Today I'm not feeling it. I'm so glad salvation isn't dependent on our feelings. PLEASE continue to pray for me. The days are getting more and more challenging.

But you know what? Just looking at these pictures gives me reassurance. I often feel alone, even if I'm in a crowded room. But I know I'm not. These pictures remind me of people who care about me and have taken the time to do something for me, even if they felt like it was a small thing. I know people are praying for me but don't know what to say to me. You don't have to know the "right" thing to say, just speak to me. If you ask how I feel, really mean it. I'm still fighting and I need soldiers by my side.

"But those who suffer He delivers in their suffering; He speaks to them in their affliction." ~ Job 36:15

Malik, a youth in my small group six years ago, wrote on the wall at Huntsville Hospital in my honor. :) 

The back of our Liz Hurley shirts in 2010

Nurse Stiles at Monrovia always asked everyone to wear pink on Thursdays in October, the day I received my treatment. 

Thankful

My sweet Lucy is one month old now!! Oh how I wish I could see her more often! I don't think I could ever see her as much as I want. I could just breathe her in! David and Eva are so busy that it's a challenge for them to make time for us to visit. But such is life. She's so adorable! My heart is full!

As I mentioned last time, one of my tumors is growing, so I'm about to begin a new chemo pill. I will continue to take the other one (Tykerb) but will also begin taking Xeloda. The doctors are hoping the tumor will shrink and they can perform radiosurgery again in November. They don't want to do the surgery more than once in a calendar year.

The side effects of Xeloda are supposed to be about the same as Tykerb. However, it is quite expensive. It is a specialty medication so the copay is up there. Tykerb is too, but the pharmacy had some kind of coupon they applied to the cost. They don't have one for Xeloda. This is NOT something that a cancer patient should have to worry about, but it all too often is. The pharmaceutical companies in this country make way too much money. Yes, I understand that it takes a lot to initially fund the research to develop medications and I am thankful for that research; however, there should be assistance for those of us who can't take out a 2nd mortgage to pay the deductibles. Money should not be a factor when deciding whether or not to take a particular medication.

But I'm thankful. I'm thankful for my sweet husband who ALWAYS stands by me; I'm thankful for the doctors who have diagnosed and are treating my disease; I'm thankful that I found Usborne, a company that has a mission to promote literacy and allows me to completely work from Facebook; I'm thankful for my sweet, beautiful Lucy who lights up my world every time I see her; I'm thankful for my kids who love me; but I'm most thankful for my wonderful Savior Who is always with me and helping me through each day.



I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. ~ Philippians 4:13

Emotions--Can We Trust Them?

I'm having a tough day. I'm an emotional wreck. For one thing, I miss Rachel. Even though we don't normally see each other, I know that I can get to her if I need to. Not now. She's over 7,000 miles away. I hesitate to print this because I know she will probably read it and know how much I miss her. She's a little homesick too. I thank God for facetime as we've already used it several times. Technology can truly be amazing.

I'm also back to facing my mortality. I haven't thought about it much lately since I've been so busy. For one thing, I've become an Usborne Books & More consultant and that has truly been a blessing. It's kept my mind occupied and my fingers busy. The books are quite educational and it helps me to "somewhat" stay in the educational process. I can do it all via Facebook or I couldn't do it at all. Again, technology can be amazing.

I've also been concentrating on Lucy's debut. I'm SO excited about becoming a grandmother! It wasn't too long ago that I was afraid that I might not ever meet any of my grandchildren. Well, low and behold, Miss Lucy is almost here! I'm going to get to meet my progeny! God is SOOO good!! I'm tearing up right now just thinking about it! David Thompson, I love you and I thank you and Eva SO much for granting me this incredible blessing!

Back to facing my mortality. It's a challenge and I'm not going to deny it. I want Lucy to remember me. I want to be around long enough to become a part of her long-term memory. I'm reminded of how my niece and nephew were each six when my sister passed away. They are 15 and 16 now and are starting to forget her, and they don't want to. It just happens. Their dad has done a remarkable job of keeping her memory alive and I've started sharing memories with them, but they can't help it. It just happens.

I need you to pray for me. I need you to pray for my emotional and physical healing. What TRULY amazes me is that the Holy Spirit prays for me, especially when I don't know how to pray for myself. He is SO amazing. Why does He take the time to pray for little insignificant me? I have no idea. But He does, and I am SO grateful!

"Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. [Too deep for words! Can you imagine?!] And He who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose." ~ Romans 8:26-28 ESV

(Emphasis mine; [comment] mine.)

Waiting Game

Well, part of the waiting is over but part is just beginning. I went back to UAB today for an MRI and doctor appointment. The tumor in the back of my head on the left has shrunk, but the one on the right has grown. My doctor is going to present my case to a team of neuro-oncologists and they will discuss a plan for me next Tuesday. He told me there are several good options for me, including an additional chemo pill and more radiosurgery. He wants to try to wait until at least November to do the radiosurgery so the surgeries will be a year apart. There are also potential clinical trials for which I might be a candidate. He will call me back as soon as he knows anything, and I'll probably go back to UAB in a couple of weeks to discuss a plan.

I honestly felt like today was going to be good news. I have felt better lately. Yes, I've had headaches but I've had those since I was 17 because of the Chiari. I haven't been sick lately, and that was the indicator that something was wrong before. I think today was probably the first time that I have been surprised by the news. All of the other times, I felt like something was wrong. Today took me by surprise and it upset me more. I guess I've had so much going on lately that I haven't had time to sit and think. My Rachel is half way around the world (it's 8:14 pm in AL on Wednesday, while it's 10:14 am in South Korea on Thursday), and my granddaughter Lucy will be here any day. So. Many. Emotions!!

Yes, it's time to wait and see again. Just like before, please don't forget to remember me and pray. God is in control.

"Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much." ~ James 5:16

Not the best news, but not the worst

Well, the wait begins again. As a cancer survivor, (and yes, I may not "technically" be considered a cancer survivor because I'm not in remission or cancer free, but I am a survivor!), we spend a lot of time hurrying up and waiting. Hurry to our appointments; wait to be seen. Hurry to have tests; wait for results. Hurry to listen to the doctor; wait for another appointment for more tests. That's where I am now. I had an MRI yesterday. The cancer lesions in my brain that were radiated in November have grown. Now, that sounds bad, but it might not be. It's either tumor growth, or swelling from the radiosurgery. I will go back in a month for another MRI to see if there has been any change. This particular type of MRI should show if the blood vessels surrounding the lesions have a larger blood supply. If so, then it's probably cancerous. If not, then it's probably not. They also want to wait a month to see if there is additional growth. The doctors believe that it is probably swelling due to the radiosurgery, but they won't know without the additional MRI. The MRI report stated, "Although tumor progression cannot be ruled out, the findings are felt to be related to treatment-related changes." Regardless, we have to wait. And waiting causes you to think. And thinking causes you to enter realms where cancer patients sometimes travel. Facing mortality.

"'For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are yours ways My ways,' declares the LORD. 'For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.'" ~ Isaiah 55:8-9

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.'" ~ Jeremiah 29:11

God has a plan. I have to wait on it. Is it challenging to wait? You bet your sweet patooty it is! But I don't have a choice. I have a granddaughter on the way. I have to believe she'll have her paternal grandmother there for her. If not and my time is up, then I'll wake up in the Arms of Jesus. Not to worry. I'm not giving up. Not until the curtain is drawn. But when it is, I'll be free! Free to live again! Free to run and dance and sing! Oh what a wonderful Day that will be! Oh how I love my sweet Jesus! Yes, I want to be here to see my granddaughter grow into the beautiful young woman I know she will be, but don't anyone think for a minute that I will miss out on anything. I want to be here with my family, and I want to be here for my family. If you know me, then you know how much my family means to me. One thing that hurts when I think of my demise is knowing how it will hurt them, but I guess that's the way it is for a lot of people.  I love my family dearly, but they can't compare with my sweet Jesus. Oh what a Day that will be! "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." ~ Philippians 1:21

It may sound like I'm giving up, but I'm not. I'm choosing to believe it's just swelling, but I am human and those thoughts of mortality are mean and they do enter the picture. I am a fighter and I know Who is ultimately in control. If I am to stay here and work for Him a little longer, then so be it; if I am to leave this world and enter the next, then so be it. As a Christian, I am not scared of death. The process of dying is not a topic of endearment, however. It's not pleasant to think about how most of us suffer during that process, but it's just for a season.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." ~ Philippians 4:6-7

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." ~ John 14:27

"Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes in the morning." ~ Psalm 30:5b

My biggest prayer is that you will all have that peace and that joy.

My Life is a Whirlwind

I haven't blogged in a while. I've thought about it, but I just haven't done it. I've had many ups and downs since my last blog. I've been extremely sick at times, and I have felt really good at times. I never know how each day will be. Oh, I know. None of us really know what each day will bring; however, I can feel really good one day, really bad the next, and okay the next. Each day, each moment brings surprises. It's quite challenging to plan for anything. When plans are made, those involved know that I might have to cancel at the last minute. For example, a few weeks ago, I called my Mama to see if she was up for a visit. Within a few seconds after asking her, I got sick and had to tell her I couldn't come. I thank God for extremely flexible family and friends who know that I might have to bail at the last minute.

I go back to the doctor next Monday, July 18. I will have an MRI that morning followed by visits to two different oncologists. I've always dreaded these visits, but now there's always that dread that there might be another brain tumor. I know God's got this and I don't even think about it most of the time, but as the UAB visit approaches, that nagging question is there. Is it a lack of faith? Of course it is. But I'm human and the concern is still there. It's really interesting how each time I was told that I had a new tumor, I was able to remain calm. And that, my friend, is God. He has comforted me so much during these times. I think one of the biggest problems we humans have is facing the unknown. When we finally receive a "label," we might not like it but it makes sense.

I know most of you go about your daily lives and don't think to pray for me, and I get it. I really do. As Kevin said in Home Alone 2--you don't forget me, you forget to remember me. Please try not to forget to remember me and pray for me. I appreciate each one.

"Then Jesus told His disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up." ~ Luke 18:1

And the really challenging one--

"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." ~ 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Wow. Now that's a tough one!

My Heart is Full

Tuesday, March 1 was my first official day of retirement. I miss my students, but I am feeling better. I'm more rested and can do things at my leisure. I'm excited to see what God has in store for me now because He does have a plan for me. I trust Him and I know He will do great and mighty things through me if I will let Him. "'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.'" ~ Jeremiah 29:11.

Last week was so full. Thursday, the fantabulous gifted education specialists in Madison County had a retirement celebration for me. They showered me with gifts and tangled a C for me. (Zentangle art is a specific type of art that we learned at one of our gifted conferences. We started creating pieces with our students, and they love it.) I am going to miss collaborating with these ladies!

                

Tangled C

Gift card tree

Friday, the Monrovia faculty also sent me off in style with a retirement celebration. They honored me with gifts and lots of love. I know I probably didn't seem to appreciate it very much, but I've never been comfortable when a lot of attention is placed on me. However, I appreciated it IMMENSELY and will miss you all so much!

Neal, Rachel, me, Eva, and David with Mrs. Long photobombing :)

Finally, many current and former parents and students celebrated with me after the faculty send-off. I was SO amazed at the number of people who came! Students and parents started arriving at about 4:15 and I didn't get home until around 7:00! They just kept coming! They all stood in line to speak to me. I took my time speaking to each student, and the rest waited patiently. I just can't get over how many came! They all wrote notes to me and put them in a scrapbook. Many brought other gifts as well. One mom even made a beautiful quilt for me. When I say my heart is full, I mean it. If anything, it's overflowing.

The scrapbook

Just one of the many notes

A student's tangle for me

The quilt--a picture can't do it justice!

A portion of the quilt

Some flowers I received in my favorite color

Former students--9th-12th grades

Yes, this was MY celebration, but it could have been any teacher's who has given his or her time, love, and talents to the precious students under his or her tutelage. The media concentrates WAY too much time on teachers that have a negative impact on the lives of their students. Let me emphasize that this is usually NOT the case. We don't go into education so we can devote all of that time to something for which we don't have a passion. We simply don't get paid enough for that. Most people don't see the extra time and effort we put into all that we do. We take our work home with us and spend a lot of time working at home as well. Even when we aren't planning our lessons or writing curriculum (which we gifted specialists have to do), we are answering emails or praying over our students. We are passionate about education and love our students. They become OUR children. When they move on, we still wonder how they are doing and cherish letters and emails we receive from them when they let us know how life is treating them. I still wonder about students I had during my first year. I was teaching high school and these "children" would be in their mid to late 40s now!

For all that have been a part of my 22 years of teaching, whether students, parents, or teachers, I thank you. I thank you for helping me to develop into the person I am today. I thank you for sharing a portion of your lives with me. I thank you for allowing me to enter into your lives, even if for a brief moment in time, to share experiences with you. I am who I am because of the influence you have had on me. Each person who enters our lives shapes us in some way. I love and thank you all so very much. God has truly been good to me.

"For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven." ~ Ecclesiastes 3:1

The season of my life of being a public school teacher has come and gone. What does God have in store for me now? Only He knows, but it's going to be good.

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, Who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17

"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them." ~ Romans 8:28

Amen and amen!!

So Undeserving!

SO. MUCH. GOOD. NEWS!!!!

God is SOOOOO good!!! Praise God through Whom ALL blessings flow!!! First and foremost, I'm going to be a Grandmother!!! Yes, I know you have probably already read it on Facebook or in an email, but I don't care! I'm so excited! A new life. Wow! For the last three generations on Neal's side, his mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother did not live to see their grandchildren. With all that has happened with me, that was certainly a concern. I certainly hope to change that cycle. Even Neal's step-mother did not live to know her grandchildren. She saw her first grandchild, but unfortunately passed away a couple of weeks after he was born. I am one happy lady!!

Secondly, I received more really good news yesterday. The MRI showed that there are no new tumors in the brain, and the ones that were zapped by the radiosurgery are shrinking! Yay me!!! I can't hardly contain myself. Did I mention that God is SOOOOO good!!!!

A new chapter. A new definition of me. Retired Gifted Education Specialist. But mostly, GRANDMOTHER!!!

"The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing."

Zephaniah 3:17

He's rejoicing over me with singing right now! Can you believe it? The Creator of the Universe is rejoicing with me! He saved me; He often quiets me with His love; and now He rejoices with me! I am SO undeserving, yet He does it anyway. My God is SOOO good!!!

A New Definition

(Written February 13, 2016)

Thursday, February 4, 2016 marked the last day I will ever teach in a public school classroom. It was quite emotional. Since then I have been completing a lot of paperwork pertaining to my retirement. I've been busy with that and haven't had time to really think about the aforementioned fact. But let's concentrate on the positives.

1. I didn't have to worry about whether or not schools would be closed this week because of snow. That was nice!

2. I have more time for me. Time to do things that I rarely had time for before. Movies, theater, volunteering, and girl stuff!

3. Neal and I can travel when school's in session. We plan to go places that we've always wanted to explore. Israel is at the top of the list.

4. I will have more time for my personal children and eventually grandchildren. Oh what a day that will be!

5. I can do things when I feel like it and not when I have to. When I was teaching, I didn't feel like doing anything after school or on the weekends. I was usually extremely tired or had a bad headache. I haven't had a really bad headache since the last day I taught, and I haven't been as tired. Yes, I'm fatigued. but nothing like before.

6. Hopefully, the extra rest will help my body fight this cursed disease.

7. I can spend more time with my Savior. When your body hurts as bad as mine often does, reading and studying is just not in the cards. When I have a really bad headache, my eyes hurt and I have trouble concentrating. But I don't want to just read and study; I want to do. I want to walk with Him as we minister to others. I don't know what that will look like, but I know He has a plan and will reveal it to me in time.

So, like I said before, this isn't the end; it's only the beginning. The beginning to a new definition of me. For the last 14 years, I have been Cindy Thompson, Gifted Teacher; prior to that, I was Cindy Thompson, Pampered Chef Kitchen Consultant/Director; and prior to that, I was Cindy Thompson, Math teacher. All during that time, I've been wife and Mom--two absolutely cherished roles. Those roles have been granted to me by my Savior. I'm so thankful that those roles will always be a part of my life. They are a part of my definition, but they do not complete my definition. My Jesus completes me. He will provide a new definition of me that will knock my socks off. He always does.

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end." ~ Ecclesiastes 3:11

Unexpected Turns

I started taking chemo again last Thursday. Yay me! I take five pills every day. So far, I've been more tired than usual and have had a few stomach issues, but nothing major. Keep the prayers going!

If all goes as planned, next Thursday, February 4 will be my last day at school with March 1 being the official retirement date. I know God has another plan for me now, but it's still not easy to leave the best job in the world. I just have to trust and know that His thoughts and ways are so much higher than mine. I can only see from my very limited perspective; in contrast, He already knows how it all ends. He's got this!

Please pray for me and my family as we enter this new phase of our lives. Yes, my children are grown, but they love their mom and it's tough on them too. It's definitely tough on Neal with all that he does for me. Maybe I'll be able to help more now that I hopefully won't be as fatigued.

Pray for my sweet Mama. I still haven't told her. Since her assisted living flooded on Christmas day, she has had to stay in the adjacent nursing home and hasn't felt great herself. I haven't wanted to make her feel worse. She's quite a tough lady, but she also loves her baby. Tuesday was January 26--nine years since my sister Barbara was killed in a car accident; Wednesday was January 27--nine years since Daddy died from the strokes he had a month earlier. I called her Monday and she was quite unhappy as she remembered that anniversary. I just can't bring myself to tell her about my situation yet. God will tell me when it's time.

Life can really take unexpected turns sometimes. The key is, are we ready to face those turns? I can't imagine not having the One Who knows what's around those turns in my life. Revelation 1:8 states, "I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End," says the LORD, "Who is and Who was and Who is to come, the Almighty." He was there when the cancer cells were present in my body but were yet undiscovered; He's been there throughout this entire journey with me; and He'll be there when I take my last breath on this Earth. But that won't be the end. Next, I'll be sitting at His Feet and will forever be in His presence. Oh what a glorious Day that will be! Can you see it? Can you feel it? Oh the joy! In the meantime, I just have to keep remembering these verses.

" 'For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways,' declares the Lord. 'As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.' " ~ Isaiah 55:8-9

 

God's got this!!

Depression and Hope

Today has been a rough day. No reason. I've just been down. I feel guilty about feeling this way because God is so good and I know He's got this. One way or another, He's got this.

I've been completing paperwork today for my retirement. It's hasn't been a big deal so far (but Social Security is next), but it's just been a reminder of the new phase of life that I am entering and I don't like it. Neal suggested we sit down and start planning for things for me to do after retirement. Hopefully, that will help me feel better. I know I want to help with Staycation at my church as much as possible. Cave Spring started doing this event last year during spring break. We spend the week serving the community and helping to meet various needs. It is quite tiring so I know I won't be able to help as much as I'd like, but it will be better than nothing. I'm really happy about the work that my church is doing in our community for our Savior. It really shows how we can be His Hands and Feet. Now that I'm about to be retired, I want to be able to do so much more. I know I have limitations, but I also know He will equip me with what I need. The bottom line is that He doesn't need me to spread His Gospel, but He graciously allows me to do so.

What does the future hold for me? I have no idea, but I want to take each day as it comes and enjoy each one. Yes, today has been more of a dreary one, but I was able to be dreary with my husband and for that I am blessed. Neal has been so great through all of this. God truly knew what He was doing when He brought the two of us together. What a surprise! LOL!!

I just have to keep on keeping on. God's got this. When I have trouble persevering, He's got this. I just need to keep His Word close.

"You are my refuge and my shield; I have put my hope in Your Word." ~ Psalm 119:114

Indeed I have. Thank You, sweet Jesus. Thank You.

And the Decision is...

When the cancer returned in 2010, my doctor asked me then if I wanted to consider going on disability. I definitely said no. I absolutely love what I do. I am a teacher. I teach tomorrow's leaders. Today, they are 8-11 years old boys and girls with aspirations to be normal kids but are anything but. Yes, I teach gifted students. Gifted kids are often misunderstood. Many people believe they don't need additional help because they can learn on their own. Yes, they generally learn more quickly, but they deserve to learn new things as much as any other student. Many parents shy away from telling others their child is gifted because other parents think they are bragging. Would I be bragging if I said one of my kids is a boy and the other is a girl? It's just a fact. And there's so much that goes along with being a gifted kid that no one thinks about. They often have many social and emotional issues that aren't understood. I could go on and on, but that isn't what this post was supposed to be about. I just wanted you to get a feel for how incredibly difficult this decision has been for me. I love my students and being a small part of their precious lives. I truly believe that I will see many of them making headlines in the future with their groundbreaking activities.

Yes, the decision is made. My doctor told me after cancer metastasized to the brain that life expectancy is greatly reduced. She said I could live for many years, but most are doing well to live six. As she put it, "it's time to enjoy the good cutlery." Oh, I know Who is really in control and I could be around longer than most of you, but the odds are certainly in your favor. Even when she asked me to strongly consider retirement in December, I was trying to think of ways I could just "cut back" and not work as much. If you're a teacher, you know there is truly no cutting back. You will always have lesson plans, paperwork, curriculum to write, new technology to learn, and the list goes on. I remember when I worked part time many moon ago, it was never really part time. Part time teaching just doesn't exist.

So, when I saw my doctor again Monday and she asked why I had not gone on disability, I really couldn't answer. I love my students. I love my faculty. I love my principal. I have the best job in the world, yet I'm being asked to give it up. I just don't get it. Sometimes, life can really kick you in the rear.

Yes, the decision is made. I can't be who I want to be anymore. I have to retire. But, as one of my sweet friends reminded me last night, I can kick back and enjoy life. No more lesson plans, gifted testing, faculty meetings, endless paperwork, etc. I plan to enjoy life, to go on vacations when everyone else is in school, to sleep late, to do what I want for a change. Yes, life can be quite challenging, but it can be really sweet as well. This isn't the end; it's only the beginning.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and future." ~ Jeremiah 29:11

Or, as one of my sweet teacher friends translated, "Sieze the tail of the tiger and smile."

January 13 Update

I went to the doctor Monday. I will begin taking Tykerb (oral chemo) again in a couple of weeks. The last time I took it, it made me really tired but I didn't have a lot of other side effects.

I've been in a lot of pain lately and need your prayers. I love teaching, but it has been really challenging for me lately. I so appreciate my supportive faculty at Monrovia. They are the best!

Again, please pray for decisions that I need to make. God is good and will provide an answer. He's got this!