All is vanity and a chasing after wind

"All is vanity and a chasing after wind."
~ Ecclesiastes 1:14

I've come to really appreciate these words. When I was younger, I really didn't understand what they meant. But now, I think about the words we say and the things we post on social media. Even when I'm posting about how I'm feeling and asking for prayer--am I asking for His glory, or my own? I really want all I do and say to be for His glory, but I'm sure there are those who are reading this who think that I'm still after my own. Am I? I certainly hope not. This life is about Him, and I choose to glorify Him through it all. However, am I being vain by posting this in the first place? When I look deep inside, I really don't think I am. I don't want the focus to be on me; I want it on Him. I am no longer physically able to do a lot for Him, but I can speak up and let others know what He's done for me.

I've had a rough few days. I haven't been able to eat much and have been in pain. But He's got this. He is the maker of the universe and the master of all time. He already sees me as healed because I'm already there with Him in His realm of time. So for now, I must focus on that and continue to glorify Him. If the trials that I'm enduring in this life can bring one soul to Him, then it's oh so worth it. I really want everyone to know the joy I have in Him. There is no peace without Him. There is no joy without Him. Happiness is fleeting. It depends on circumstances. Joy is continual. He's got this. Joy doesn't just come in the morning; it's here today. We just have to know in Whom to find it.

"All is vanity and a chasing after wind."
How ridiculous to chase after the wind! There is no way to catch it, just as there is no way to satisfy our lives by chasing trivial things. We must run to Jesus. He's all there is.

Twenty Years and Counting...

June 25, 1998--the day I had my first cancer surgery. What reminded me of this fact was a memory that popped up on Facebook from 8 years ago.

"I just returned from my oncologist with the results of my PET/CT scan. There is an abnormality in my left lung and one near my tail bone. I'm having a biopsy Monday at 3:20 in Huntsville to determine whether or not it is cancer. Whatever the outcome, pray most that my response and attitude will glorify God."

Seeing this memory made me a bit melancholy. I proceeded to text Neal. He encouraged me by saying I had glorified Him. What an encouragement! That's when I realized today's date and sent him this text:

"It's also been 20 years today since I had the original cancer surgery. Coincidentally, it was also a Monday."

I continued in my downward spiral of sadness, but this was his response:

"So you are officially a 20 year cancer survivor."

And it hit me. Yes I am. I am a survivor. Since that original diagnosis, I've known several people who have started the battle and are survivors, but I've also known several who have started and finished. I know there's a reason why some of us are still here while others are not. It's really challenging for me to offer encouragement to someone who has lost a loved one to cancer. Why them and not me? I sometimes feel guilty that I'm here when their loved one isn't. Sound crazy? I guess that's another form of survivor's guilt.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate my husband in times like this. He's got my back like no one in this world does. He didn't know how much those nine words would mean to me: "So you are officially a 20 year cancer survivor." Yes, I am a survivor. Thanks be to God, I am a survivor. My main goal in this journey has always been to glorify Him. Oh, how He deserves that and so much more!!

I still take daily chemo pills to keep the tumors from growing. The side effects are not fun, but I'm still here. I could use some encouragement today. If you read this blog post in it's entirety, please offer a word of encouragement. Not only will it help me today, but I can come back and read it later. Here are some words of encouragement from His precious Word.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." ~ Joshua 1:9

"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." ~ Hebrews 11:1

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." ~ 2 Corinthians 4:18

"I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~ Psalm 139:14 "But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in Him." ~ Jeremiah 17:7

Symphony

As I look back over my life, I know that God has ALWAYS been there for me. Yes, I've had quite a few bumps in the road, but most of us have. Today, I'm suffering from one of my lovely headaches. Yay me. However, I know I'm blessed. It's REALLY easy to get down in the dumps when the pain is there, but I need to count my blessings. That's the only way I can get through it.

I was recently talking to a Facebook friend about the passing of her mother. Her mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, it went in remission, returned to her bone and lungs last May, they think it progressed to her brain, and she passed in March. Sound familiar? I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1998, it returned in 2010 to my bone and lung, spread to my brain in 2015, yet I'm still here. Why am I here while others with very similar conditions aren't? I don't know. But I know Who does, and I just have to trust in that. I have to trust that He uses each of us and the circumstances in which we find ourselves in very unique ways. I also know that may not provide much comfort to those who have lost loved ones to cancer or to anything else. They may ask "Why did You take _____ when You didn't take her?" and I get that. So many questions. Yet, He is the Potter and we are the clay. He is God and we are not. His thoughts and ways are SO much greater than ours. He knows EVERY little thing that is happening RIGHT NOW! Unbelievable! He's like a conductor of an orchestra. Some instruments sound okay by themselves, while others do not. However, when we put them all together, oh what a symphony that can be created! You and I are part of a TREMENDOUSLY large symphony and your part matters greatly. Without you, without me, the symphony wouldn't be the same. Even when we are no longer physically present in this world, our music continues to play. We have no idea how far our influence has reached.

So, even though I have no idea why this is happening to me or to others, I praise Him. I may not feel like it most of the time, but I have to remember that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

"I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~ Psalm 139:14

"But now, O LORD, You are our Father; we are the clay, and You are out potter; we are all the work of Your hand." ~ Isaiah 64:8

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts; neither are your ways My ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts." ~ Isaiah 55:8-9

"Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." ~ John 14:27

My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?

I read a devotion this week that I want to share. It's taken from Psalm 22 and Mark 15:22-37. To get the most from this devotion, you should read this scripture. This devotion caused me to have a paradigm shift concerning the line from Mark 15:34 when Jesus says, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

"Devotional

The Cry of Vindication

By Al Hsu

When the Jesus film is screened in cultures that have never heard of Jesus, viewers often love the movie. But the crucifixion comes as an utter shock. Many audiences jump up and cry out in protest.

The crucifixion of Jesus has always been profoundly disturbing. For me, what’s most troubling is not the unjust trial, how the crowd turns against Jesus, or how his disciples abandon him. The most troubling part is one line. Mark 15:34: “Eloi, Eloi, lema sabachthani?” (“My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”) This line horrifies me. It calls into question the very nature of God. Is God the kind of God that turns his back on his Son?

Here’s the key biblical insight that changed how I read this passage. It’s a simple historical fact about how Israelites cited their Scriptures. The way they referenced a passage was to quote it, especially the first line. So when Jesus said, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” he expected his hearers to catch the literary allusion to Psalm 22 and to think of the whole psalm: “[I am] scorned by everyone. . . . All who see me mock me . . . . All my bones are out of joint. . . . They divide my clothing among them and cast lots for my garment” (vv. 6, 7, 14, 18).

Is Jesus saying “I have been forsaken by God”? No. He’s saying, “Today Psalm 22 is fulfilled in your hearing. I am the embodiment of this psalm.” Psalm 22 is not a psalm of forsakenness. It starts out that way, but it shifts to confidence in God’s deliverance: “For he has not despised or scorned the suffering of the afflicted one; he has not hidden his face from him but has listened to his cry for help” (v. 24).

Jesus is declaring: “Right now, you are witnessing Psalm 22. I seem forsaken right now, but my death is not the end of the story. God has not despised my suffering. I will be vindicated. The Lord has heard my cry. Because death is not the end. ‘Future generations will be told about the Lord. They will proclaim his righteousness, declaring to a people yet unborn: He has done it!’ ” (vv. 30–31).

Al Hsu is senior editor for IVP books at InterVarsity Press."

Defying the Odds

Another lovely day at the UAB Kirklin Clinic and the Hazelrig-Salter Radiation Oncology Center! These days are oh so long and they tire me out immensely, but today was worth it. Once again, my MRI scans were stable. Once again, I left feeling a surge of relief. Once again, the prayers of so many precious saints entered the Throne Room on my behalf. Once again, my sweet Savior listened and answered in the affirmative. My doctors are quite happy with the results of today's scans. One even said I was defying the odds--once cancer metastasizes to the brain, circumstances are dire. It's been two years since the radiosurgery--two years since I started the third portion of my journey. Two more years of prayers from precious saints. Two more years of life. I think of all that has happened within the last two years--so much that I would have missed without modern technology and, most importantly, your prayers. Defying the odds? Medically and scientifically speaking, maybe so. But when God speaks, none of that matters.

Honestly, there are many days that I don't feel that I have much value in this world any more and feel that going Home would be much better. However, I know that His ways and plans are much higher than mine. I'm sure He uses me in ways that are unbeknownst to me, as I'm sure He does with us all. Whether we like it or not, we impact the world around us. It is my prayer that mine is a positive one for Him.

I can't emphasize enough how much the fervent prayers of precious saints has meant in my journey. Do you realize He saves our prayers? He has kept each prayer that you have uttered. What kind of collection does He have stored for you? For me? 

"And He [Jesus] came and took the scroll from the right hand of the One [God the Father] seated on the throne. When He had taken the scroll, the four living creatures and the twenty-four elders fell down before the Lamb. Each one had a harp, and they held the golden bowls full of incense, which are the prayers of the saints." ~ Revelation 5:7-8

"Then another angel, who had a golden censer, came and stood at the altar. He was given much incense to offer, along with the prayers of all the saints, on the golden altar before the throne. And the smoke of the incense, with the prayers of the saints, rose up before God from the hand of the angel." ~ Revelation 8:3-4

Our prayers are precious to our Father. Again, thank you for taking the time to enter the Throne Room on my behalf.

Happy Birthday Barbara!

I really miss my sister today. Happy Birthday Barbara. I know you are more alive and happier than you've ever been, but I'm selfish and I miss you. You were one of my biggest cheerleaders and best friends, and I really want to talk to you. I think about how you were there for me during my first round with cancer, and I know you'd be here for me now. Since I need to talk to you, I'm going to write this as a letter.

Mama's birthday was Saturday. 95! We were able to give her a small, fairly impromptu birthday party. She was so happy about it! Michael, Belinda, Carolyn, Lori, me, Neal, Rachel, Alice (her favorite caregiver at the assisted living), Jean, and Eual were all able to be there. (Eual is Jean's new husband. Bobby passed away years ago, which I'm sure you know since you've probably seen him!) We didn't give her much, since she moved to the nursing home last month and doesn't have much room. I gave her a calendar, hoping someone could mark the days off for her so she could keep up with what day it is. That's really challenging for her now because she spends most of her time in her room.

I'm not having a very good day. I felt ok earlier, but then I received a call from US Bioservices (my specialty pharmacy from which I receive my chemo). They said my insurance company was not going to cover my Xeloda this month. They've been covering it for over a year now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I contacted my doctor. Hopefully, she can call someone and get it straightened out. Since that phone call, I've developed quite a headache. Hmm...Coincidence? I know, no such thing!

Your children have practically grown up! Heather is 17 and a senior now, and Justin is a junior and about to be 17. I've told them about some or our shenanigans when we were younger. They love hearing stories about their Mom. I hope you don't mind. If you do, you can fuss at me when I get there. :-)

You'd be so proud of David and Rachel. David is working at Teledyne Brown, is married, and has a daughter! Can you believe that?! I'm a grandmother! Rachel is a social worker with the Jackson County DHR. Oh the stories I've heard! She knows her limits though. She never shares any names. :-)

I feel better already. I love you Barbara. Until we meet again!

The Strangeness of Time

"A day is like a thousand years and a thousand years are like a day."
2 Peter 3:8

This is in reference to how God views time, but it has more significance to us the older we get. Some moments seem to last for a long time, yet the weeks, months, and years tend to go by quickly. When I'm in a lot of pain, as I am at this moment, time seems to stand still. Yet, I can look back at a previous year or years and time has gone by very quickly.

My Mama is in the hospital. She fell, went to the ER, and they discovered she has a UTI. She'll be 95 in November, so a UTI can be very serious for a person her age. I'm in too much pain to visit her. She's an hour and a half away. That makes me angry, frustrated, and sad all at the same time. I don't want to tell her why I can't visit her because that will make her worry, which could make her feel even worse. But I want her to know that I would be there if I could.

I can't even begin to tell you how frustrated I am with the pain that I have to endure. There are times that I feel fine, but those times are quite rare. I just don't understand why my life has to be this way. I know this life is all about Him, which I tell my Sunday school class frequently, but when you're living in the moment and experiencing excruciating pain, it's quite challenging to put things in perspective. I have to remember that although this moment may seem like it lasts for a thousand years, a thousand years will seem like just a moment.

As always, I covet your prayers.