Just laying it out there

Some of you may wonder why I tend to lay it all out there. Our God is an awesome God and I believe that if even a handful of you will pray for me, then it's worth it. On that note, I've been sick the last couple of days and can really use your prayers. I think all of this stress has really taken a toll on me. I need to keep those verses about anxiety and stress and worry on my mind, don't I?

It's such an honor to know that so many of you approach His throne on my behalf. Please keep the prayers going. Thank you.

Here are some verses I need to keep on the forefront of my mind.

Yay God!!

Our God is an awesome God! 

He reigns from heaven above 

With wisdom, power, and love 

Our God is an awesome God! 

(For those of you who know the song, sing along!!)

Thank you SOOO much for all of your prayers! I found out this morning that my copay won't increase after all! Yay God!!! He is faithful. He cares. He loves me more than I can even imagine. I look at my family and know how much I love them, but He loves them so much more. Wow!! Ineffable love!!!

I've posted this poem before, but it's one of my all-time favorites. You did good Henry. 😉 

A Psalm of Life

Related Poem Content Details

BY HENRY WADSWORTH LONGFELLOW

What The Heart Of The Young Man Said To The Psalmist.

Tell me not, in mournful numbers, 

   Life is but an empty dream! 

For the soul is dead that slumbers, 

   And things are not what they seem. 

Life is real! Life is earnest! 

   And the grave is not its goal; 

Dust thou art, to dust returnest, 

   Was not spoken of the soul. 

Not enjoyment, and not sorrow, 

   Is our destined end or way; 

But to act, that each to-morrow 

   Find us farther than to-day. 

Art is long, and Time is fleeting, 

   And our hearts, though stout and brave, 

Still, like muffled drums, are beating 

   Funeral marches to the grave. 

In the world’s broad field of battle, 

   In the bivouac of Life, 

Be not like dumb, driven cattle! 

   Be a hero in the strife! 

Trust no Future, howe’er pleasant! 

   Let the dead Past bury its dead! 

Act,— act in the living Present! 

   Heart within, and God o’erhead! 

Lives of great men all remind us 

   We can make our lives sublime, 

And, departing, leave behind us 

   Footprints on the sands of time; 

Footprints, that perhaps another, 

   Sailing o’er life’s solemn main, 

A forlorn and shipwrecked brother, 

   Seeing, shall take heart again. 

Let us, then, be up and doing, 

   With a heart for any fate; 

Still achieving, still pursuing, 

   Learn to labor and to wait.

And again...

Please bear with me. I feel like most of my blog posts are "oh poor me" posts. I don't mean to be that way. I honestly have more good days than bad, but I write these posts because I often need to vent. Today is one of those days.

The last post I wrote was largely about dealing with insurance companies and the fact that the Tykerb (one of the chemo pills I take) had not been approved. Well, praise the Lord, it's been approved now. However, the copay could possibly increase from $25 to $150. It's already $150 for the Xeloda (other chemo pill) that I take. And that's just two of the medications that I take. I'm at the point of saying, just forget it. It's ridiculous. Why is my life being summed up on someone's bottom line? I am on a fixed income and can barely afford what I'm paying for now. I don't understand why the life of someone who can afford medication is worth saving more than mine. Can someone please explain that to me?

I'm sorry, but this news is quite fresh. I'm tired. I just want to go Home. I'm tired of being a burden to my family. Of course, they're wonderful and would tell you that I'm not, but I can't help feeling that way. It's been almost 19 years now. I just want it to stop.

I need to breathe Him in and remember His goodness and faithfulness. I'm posting several verses that I need to read and hear.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." ~ Proverbs 3:5-6

"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." ~ 1 Peter 5:7

"For with God, nothing shall be impossible." ~ Luke 1:37

"The faithful love of the Lord never ends." ~ Lamentations 3:22

"In His kindness, God called you to share in His eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, He will restore, support, and strengthen you, and He will place you on a firm foundation." ~ 1 Peter 5:10

"God showed how much He loved us by sending His One and Only Son into the world so that we may have eternal life through Him." ~ 1 John 4:9

"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see." ~ Hebrews 11:1

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." ~ James 1:2-3

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." 

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans."

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." ~ Romans 8: 18, 26, and 28

"And He said to His disciples, 'For this reason I say to you, do not worry about your life, as to what you will eat; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. Consider the ravens, for they neither sow nor reap; they have no storeroom nor barn, and yet God feeds them; how much more valuable you are than the birds! And which of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life’s span? If then you cannot do even a very little thing, why do you worry about other matters? Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; but I tell you, not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass in the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, how much more will He clothe you? You men of little faith! And do not seek what you will eat and what you will drink, and do not keep worrying. For all these things the nations of the world eagerly seek; but your Father knows that you need these things. But seek His kingdom, and these things will be added to you.' " ~ Luke 12:22-31

I could go on and on. Basically, God is faithful. He is loving. He cares. But I'm still tired. Please keep me in your prayers.

But hey. Let's end on a happy note. Here's a happy picture of Neal, Lucy, and me.

Insurance and Red Tape

I've been doing well lately, and I'm doing well today. For that I am very thankful. But I am really tired of red tape, negligence, and insurance companies. Don't get me wrong. I'm thankful that I have insurance. Without it, I wouldn't be here. My medications and procedures have been covered without too many incidents. However, when an incident occurs, it doesn't make me happy.

It started just before the new year. I contacted my pharmacy to let them know I was almost out of Xeloda (three chemo pills are taken twice a day for a week, stop for a week, then repeat). The man with whom I spoke claimed I would have my pills by Thursday 1/5. I didn't have enough to take until that point, so I delayed the start of the cycle by a day. He called me again on 1/5 to arrange the delivery on 1/6--they wanted to ship the Xeloda with the Tykerb (five pills are taken daily). I'm sorry, but I believe my health is more important that saving shipping costs. Anyway, I was now out. It didn't arrive on 1/6 because of weather conditions everywhere but here. In the meantime, I emailed my doctor about the situation. She told me how to proceed and had ordered a new prescription of Tykerb on 1/3. I finally received the Xeloda on 1/9.

On to the Tykerb. I've been expecting my pharmacy to contact me concerning a prescription renewal and planned to contact them by Monday 1/16 if they had not contacted me. (With chemo pills, the pharmacy is not a regular pharmacy. I can't go to a neighborhood pharmacy to pick it up. It's ordered through a specialty pharmacy and then shipped to me. They generally contact me when it's time for a new shipment.) However, I received a letter from my insurance company today, stating they were unable to authorize Tykerb at this time. Their licensed clinical pharmacist reviewed my case and didn't approve it. They stated I needed to be taking Xeloda with the Tykerb before they could approve it. Excuse me? They should know I do since they're paying for a vast majority of it! 

Sorry about the rant. I am VERY appreciative of all that's been paid for by the insurance company, but I have very little tolerance for neglect at this level. Their licensed clinical pharmacist could easily have looked at my history and known that I needed this medication. Instead, they're more concerned about dotting every i and crossing every t. I'm sure that all it will take is a call from my doctor to correct the situation, but it really shouldn't have to be done. In the meantime, I'll have to cut back on the number of Tykerb I take each day so I'll have enough for the next shipment.

Let me emphasize that I have been doing MUCH better lately. I am very thankful for that. I'm going to enjoy these days. I am thankful that I have the Xeloda now and will start the next cycle tomorrow (1/15). However, Xeloda doesn't like me. It gives me more headaches, makes me more tired, and gives me stomach cramps. Please pray that it will be nice to me this time. He listens, you know. 😉 

His Perfect Timing

God's timing is so perfect. He never ceases to amaze me. Last Sunday, I learned that one of my students in my small group (Cameron) is having Chiari surgery tomorrow. Now, you may not remember, but that is the same surgery that I had in 1988 and again in 2001. Each condition is different with very distinctive symptoms, but they all relate to the same thing. Basically, our brains are too far down in our heads and put pressure on our skulls causing a variety of problems including headaches, dizziness, nystagmus (involuntary eye movement), balance problems, loss of gag reflex (which I learned about today), etc. The surgery generally involves removing approximately a quarter-sized piece of the skull at the lower back of the head and covering the opening with a patch constructed from muscle tissue from the neck. This will relieve pressure the brain has been putting on the skull that results in these symptoms.

Cameron and his parents were at church again today and joined our church. I talked to them afterward. Obviously, his mom is beside herself with concern about this surgery. During the course of our conversation, I also discovered that she has breast cancer. Wow! Does God know how to lead a family to a particular place or what?! Low and behold, guess who has direct experience in both areas! Isn't He just amazing! The way He uses us can be so mind-blowing!

Yes, we hear how He allows things to happen to us for a reason. We often don't see how that experience can and does help someone else, but sometimes we do. The question that many ask is why He allows any of it in the first place. This is a fallen world and we are all in this together. The first sin committed resulted in all of the problems we have today. Some will say that it's not their fault that first sin was committed. True, but we ourselves mess up and sin. Each of our sins hurts God's creation that results in all the bad we see and experience. We messed up and we continue to mess up. The beauty is that God can use our "mess ups" to clean up other things. We just have to keep our eyes open to how He can use us.

I am definitely preaching to myself. This past year has especially been a challenging one for me. There have been MANY times that I have wanted to throw in the towel. However, on days like today God reminds me that He's not finished with me yet. And you know what? If you're still breathing, He's not finished with you either.

Romans 8:18-28

(emphasis mine)

18I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. 19For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. 20For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21that^h the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.

22We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. 24For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? 25But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

26In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 27And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.

28And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, whoⁱ have been called according to his purpose.

I have a friend who lost her teen daughter yesterday. It's quite a challenge to remember during such a time as this that His timing is perfect and that everything happens for a reason, but it does. Please pray for this family during this incredibly difficult time.

"And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this?”

~ Esther 4:14b

Yes!

I'm still in Birmingham, but I couldn't wait to give an update. Everything is stable! They're back to believing that the enlargement is due to swelling from the radiosurgery rather than tumor growth! A doctor once told me that I'm an enigma inside of a conundrum. Yep! That about sums me up!

Thank you SO much for your prayers! I know a lot of people are praying for me. I also know that our prayers are not always answered the manner in which we want them answered. But for now, I'll take it! He is awesome, almighty, wonderful, counselor, and most of all Savior! I love love love my Jesus!

A Bit of Wonder

I have an MRI and doctor appointment tomorrow. Woo-hoo! Can't wait!

I haven't been feeling that great lately. I'm taking two different types of daily chemo pills, and I've been having a lot of stomach cramps and overall weakness. But God is good! I'm trying to enjoy each day and each GOOD moment as it comes. It's nice to be able to really look at the world around you and appreciate it so much. And the colors are so vibrant! It looks more like October! 

I try not to be too sentimental with others, but I really enjoy each holiday and each special day that comes. I don't know what's growing in that head of mine and it's nice not to have to think about it, but I do. I know where my eternity lies and that REALLY excites me, but there's also a bit of wonder. Death doesn't frighten me. Oh how glorious it will be to see my Jesus face to face!!! It's the dying part that sounds quite despicable. At least I know that death doesn't have the victory! Now THAT is worth a hallelujah! 

"When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come to pass: 'Death has been swallowed up in victory.' 'Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?' "

1 Corinthians 15:54-55

Until next time!