Excruciating Pain

I was hesitant to share this, but then I did a devotion on intercessory prayer, including asking others for prayer for yourself. Is that a God thing or what?

I've been in a lot of pain. I had a really bad headache all last week. It went away for a couple of days but returned. Usually, after I have a headache as bad as the one I had last week, it won't return with such intensity for at least another week or two. This time, it was only gone for a few days. It's absolutely excruciating. The pain is primarily located in my neck and head and is worse around my right ear, the back of my head, and both sides of my neck. It's so bad that it's making me nauseous.

I know many of you pray for me, and I can't even begin to tell you how thankful I am for you. I also know that you want me to be specific in my requests, so here you go. I love and appreciate you all so much. ❤🙏🏻

God is in the details

God is in the details. He's never far away. If we don't see Him, we're not paying attention.

I have new news that's really old news--I just didn't know about it. If I had, my attitude over the last nine years might have been different. Oh, I believe I would have praised Him and been as accepting as I have been, but I might have been more despondent.

During my last visit to Dr. Boggs (the brain specialist), Neal and I found out about a tumor on my spine that we didn't know about but had been there all along. He mentioned it as if we already knew about it. It's located on the T9 vertebra, which is in the middle of my back. I remember Dr. Falkson (the breast cancer specialist) talking about the T9 tumor, but I thought she was referring to the one on my sacrum. It didn't occur to me that it was a different tumor. I compared the latest CT results with the earliest results I have on hand. It's been there all along. There's also one on my hip bone that I didn't know about. It makes sense now as to why I have so much hip and back pain.

God is in the details. I realize each day how blessed I am to still be here. I realize that even more now. I have tumors on my hip bone, tail bone, spine, right lung, and two in my brain (one behind my right ear and one on the left side of the back of my head). God is so good. He knew neither Neal nor I would have handled all that information very well if we had known it from the beginning. Neal especially. You know how it is. It's one thing when you're sick; it's quite another when those you love are sick.

Rachel asked me if I feel more despondent now that I know. I don't. I actually feel a bit relieved. I've been wondering why I have so much back and hip pain. Now I know.

God is in the details. He loves me beyond measure. I will remain in this world until I have completed His plan for my earthly life. He won't be finished with me because I have an eternity to work for Him, and I can't wait. For now, I enjoy spending time with my sweet granddaughter, my children, and my wonderfully supportive husband. I also enjoy singing praises to Him everyday. He is the great I AM and it's absolutely amazing that He loves me enough to spare me from information overload. My doctors have told me about the tumors all along; I just wasn't ready to hear it.

God is in the details. He loves you more than you can possibly imagine. Don't miss out on the greatest love of all time.

Spring is coming! I always think of my Mama and Daddy when I see buttercups. He picked them for her every year. 

Flood

Before I begin writing the main portion of this entry, let me say Thank you! God hears our prayers. The cancer is still stable! Hallelujah! There was a concern since I've been experiencing new symptoms, but everything's good! It's nice to hear one of your doctors say that he tells my story a lot!

Yes, He hears us. I am so blessed. My life has been challenging when it comes to health, but I thank Him for that challenge. I wouldn't be who I am, and my children wouldn't be who they are without it. They've seen my struggles and it has made them strong. Rachel was only four and David was eight when I was originally diagnosed. That's all they've ever known.

Yesterday was quite a long day, but God placed people in my path with whom to share and to minister. My day began with a CT scan. The lady who was registering me for the scan was quite the Christian. We practically had church! It started when she asked me about the drive to UAB since we're supposed to get a torrential downpour for most of this week. She then mentioned how this was all prophesied, and I talked about the birth pains the Earth is experiencing. We shared about His goodness and how He's giving us so many chances to come to Him. This awful weather our planet is experiencing was all prophesied in the Bible thousands of years ago. Don't miss that. We just have to look up and see His goodness. Why is He allowing all of this bad weather and all of the bad things that are happening in the world? He told us in His Word that it would. One reference (among many) is Luke 21:10-11. Jesus is speaking, "Then He told them, 'Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be great earthquakes, famines, and pestilences in various places, along with fearful sights and great signs from heaven.'" He wants us to see how truthful and merciful and good He is. Good? How is this good? According to 2 Peter 3:9, "The Lord is not slow to fulfill His promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance." He wants us to see how His prophecies are being fulfilled and return to Him. He has so much love for us. "For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His steadfast love toward those who fear Him," Psalm 103:11. Here's another from Psalm 139:17-18. "How precious to me are Your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I would count them, they are more than the sand. I awake, and I am still with You."

I was also able to minister to a lady in the MRI waiting room. She was diagnosed with breast cancer last week and was quite scared. I shared a little about my story--how I was diagnosed in 1998, it returned in 2010, and how my doctor told me it probably would not have returned if I had a particular treatment that is available now that wasn't then. I also shared how I had grown closer to God throughout the experience. She had questions, and I answered the best that I could. I focused on the positives. Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." That includes cancer! He's got this!

Many would look at my life and feel sorry for me. Don't! I feel so blessed! Because of the pain and suffering I have experienced, I have grown closer to our precious Jesus. "And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus," Philippians 4:7. I have this peace! It's absolutely amazing! Do I feel it all the time? No! I cry out "Oh woe is me" with the best of them!  But I always come back to His amazing love and mercy. He is so good! I am flooded with His love and mercy!

With all the rain we're having, the song "Flood" by Jars of Clay has been stuck in my head. It is also relevant to my story as well as to so many others.

Here's a picture, just for fun. I'm also blessed with a wonderful husband. 😊

So Blessed

Thank you so much for all of your continued prayers. I haven't written in my blog in a while and thought this was the time.

I feel so blessed. When I stop to think about the cancer that I have, where it's located, and the usual prognosis with this type of cancer, I am humbled to think God is allowing me to remain here.

Humbled? Why humbled? He's not through with me! So many have passed with this diagnosis, yet here I am. He must want to use me in some capacity. I pray I will glorify Him, choose life, and allow His Spirit to permeate through me.

One part of going to UAB that is so challenging is seeing all of the people who are suffering. There are so many. The waiting room is always full of patients. There is just so much pain and suffering in this world. If only everyone could know the Answer that I know. God is so good. Yes, I have cancer. Yes, others have it too and many have problems astronomically larger than mine. Jesus provides such comfort and relief. There's just no way to adequately describe what He does for me and for all who have accepted Him as Savior. Yes, I struggle physically and emotionally as well; however, I have an inner peace that simply cannot be described. His love is so immense and no matter what I do or fail to do, He will not love me any more or less that what He does now. I can't disappoint Him because He already knows what I'm going to do. There are no surprises for Him. He's got me in the Palm of His Hands, and one day I'll get to touch those precious Hands! Oh what a day that will be! And oh how I love Jesus!

All is vanity and a chasing after wind

"All is vanity and a chasing after wind."
~ Ecclesiastes 1:14

I've come to really appreciate these words. When I was younger, I really didn't understand what they meant. But now, I think about the words we say and the things we post on social media. Even when I'm posting about how I'm feeling and asking for prayer--am I asking for His glory, or my own? I really want all I do and say to be for His glory, but I'm sure there are those who are reading this who think that I'm still after my own. Am I? I certainly hope not. This life is about Him, and I choose to glorify Him through it all. However, am I being vain by posting this in the first place? When I look deep inside, I really don't think I am. I don't want the focus to be on me; I want it on Him. I am no longer physically able to do a lot for Him, but I can speak up and let others know what He's done for me.

I've had a rough few days. I haven't been able to eat much and have been in pain. But He's got this. He is the maker of the universe and the master of all time. He already sees me as healed because I'm already there with Him in His realm of time. So for now, I must focus on that and continue to glorify Him. If the trials that I'm enduring in this life can bring one soul to Him, then it's oh so worth it. I really want everyone to know the joy I have in Him. There is no peace without Him. There is no joy without Him. Happiness is fleeting. It depends on circumstances. Joy is continual. He's got this. Joy doesn't just come in the morning; it's here today. We just have to know in Whom to find it.

"All is vanity and a chasing after wind."
How ridiculous to chase after the wind! There is no way to catch it, just as there is no way to satisfy our lives by chasing trivial things. We must run to Jesus. He's all there is.

Twenty Years and Counting...

June 25, 1998--the day I had my first cancer surgery. What reminded me of this fact was a memory that popped up on Facebook from 8 years ago.

"I just returned from my oncologist with the results of my PET/CT scan. There is an abnormality in my left lung and one near my tail bone. I'm having a biopsy Monday at 3:20 in Huntsville to determine whether or not it is cancer. Whatever the outcome, pray most that my response and attitude will glorify God."

Seeing this memory made me a bit melancholy. I proceeded to text Neal. He encouraged me by saying I had glorified Him. What an encouragement! That's when I realized today's date and sent him this text:

"It's also been 20 years today since I had the original cancer surgery. Coincidentally, it was also a Monday."

I continued in my downward spiral of sadness, but this was his response:

"So you are officially a 20 year cancer survivor."

And it hit me. Yes I am. I am a survivor. Since that original diagnosis, I've known several people who have started the battle and are survivors, but I've also known several who have started and finished. I know there's a reason why some of us are still here while others are not. It's really challenging for me to offer encouragement to someone who has lost a loved one to cancer. Why them and not me? I sometimes feel guilty that I'm here when their loved one isn't. Sound crazy? I guess that's another form of survivor's guilt.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate my husband in times like this. He's got my back like no one in this world does. He didn't know how much those nine words would mean to me: "So you are officially a 20 year cancer survivor." Yes, I am a survivor. Thanks be to God, I am a survivor. My main goal in this journey has always been to glorify Him. Oh, how He deserves that and so much more!!

I still take daily chemo pills to keep the tumors from growing. The side effects are not fun, but I'm still here. I could use some encouragement today. If you read this blog post in it's entirety, please offer a word of encouragement. Not only will it help me today, but I can come back and read it later. Here are some words of encouragement from His precious Word.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." ~ Joshua 1:9

"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." ~ Hebrews 11:1

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." ~ 2 Corinthians 4:18

"I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~ Psalm 139:14 "But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in Him." ~ Jeremiah 17:7

Symphony

As I look back over my life, I know that God has ALWAYS been there for me. Yes, I've had quite a few bumps in the road, but most of us have. Today, I'm suffering from one of my lovely headaches. Yay me. However, I know I'm blessed. It's REALLY easy to get down in the dumps when the pain is there, but I need to count my blessings. That's the only way I can get through it.

I was recently talking to a Facebook friend about the passing of her mother. Her mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, it went in remission, returned to her bone and lungs last May, they think it progressed to her brain, and she passed in March. Sound familiar? I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1998, it returned in 2010 to my bone and lung, spread to my brain in 2015, yet I'm still here. Why am I here while others with very similar conditions aren't? I don't know. But I know Who does, and I just have to trust in that. I have to trust that He uses each of us and the circumstances in which we find ourselves in very unique ways. I also know that may not provide much comfort to those who have lost loved ones to cancer or to anything else. They may ask "Why did You take _____ when You didn't take her?" and I get that. So many questions. Yet, He is the Potter and we are the clay. He is God and we are not. His thoughts and ways are SO much greater than ours. He knows EVERY little thing that is happening RIGHT NOW! Unbelievable! He's like a conductor of an orchestra. Some instruments sound okay by themselves, while others do not. However, when we put them all together, oh what a symphony that can be created! You and I are part of a TREMENDOUSLY large symphony and your part matters greatly. Without you, without me, the symphony wouldn't be the same. Even when we are no longer physically present in this world, our music continues to play. We have no idea how far our influence has reached.

So, even though I have no idea why this is happening to me or to others, I praise Him. I may not feel like it most of the time, but I have to remember that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

"I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~ Psalm 139:14

"But now, O LORD, You are our Father; we are the clay, and You are out potter; we are all the work of Your hand." ~ Isaiah 64:8

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts; neither are your ways My ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts." ~ Isaiah 55:8-9

"Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." ~ John 14:27